As a therapist, I have heard some version of this question more times than I can : " Why do I always attract the wrong type of people? People who take and take and never give back. People who ignore me. People who treat me badly." And here is the honest answer: you don't know any better yet. Not because you're broken or oblivious — but because your nervous system is doing exactly what nervous systems do. It's keeping you in familiar territory. Familiarity Beats Safety. Every Time. This is the piece most people miss. Your nervous system isn't wired to seek out what's good for you. It's wired to seek out what's known to you. So if all you've ever known are relationships where love was conditional, where you had to earn your place, where being neglected or disrespected was just... Tuesday — then that's what your system registers as "normal." And normal feels safe, even when it isn't. Here's where it gets interesting. A lot of people who grew up in those environments discovered a workaround: give more . Give enough, and people like you. Give enough, and you stay in control. The more you do for people, the more you're needed — and being needed feels like belonging. The problem? That vibe attracts people who need to receive but can't reciprocate. And being given to ? Being truly cared for? That feels downright threatening, because it's unfamiliar. Familiarity beats safety. Every time. So How Do You Change the Template? You don't change your relationship patterns by finding better people. You change them by changing what feels normal to you. Here's how: 1. Notice what happens when you receive. Pay attention to how you feel when someone gives you a compliment, does something kind for you, or offers help. Really notice it. Most people who grew up giving first, last, and always feel deeply uncomfortable in that moment — fidgety, dismissive, quick to deflect. That discomfort is data. It's telling you that your nervous system has spent decades turning away from receiving and toward giving. 2. Start asking for things. Ask for help. Ask for support. Ask for care. And then sit with how hard that is. This isn't about becoming needy — it's about practicing something your system has been avoiding for a long time. 3. Build your tolerance for receiving, slowly. When the discomfort shows up (and it will), don't run from it. Notice it. Sit with it. Send it a little curiosity instead of judgment. If you do parts work, this is a great place to get curious about the part that goes stiff when someone is kind to you — where do you feel it in your body? Does it have an age? What does it need? Give it some compassion. It's been working very hard to keep you "safe." 4. Orient toward the people who actually show up for you. This one's simple but not easy. Start paying attention to people who offer care without expecting anything in return. Notice how it feels to be around them. Watch how they treat others. And here's the key shift: focus on who you are when you're with them — not what you can do for them. Follow the discomfort. The people who make you feel slightly squirmy because they're just... genuinely kind? Those are the people worth your attention. 5. Let it become your new normal. The more you orient your energy toward people who care for you without keeping score, the more familiar that starts to feel. Slowly, effortlessly, your template shifts. You stop scanning for ways to be useful and start noticing how you feel . That's when you know something real has changed. The Bottom Line You're not cursed. You're not a magnet for bad people. You're just running an old operating system that was built to keep you safe in an environment that wasn't. And like any operating system, it can be updated. It takes time. It takes discomfort. And it takes being willing to let people actually care for you — even when that's the scariest thing of all. That's the work. And it's worth it. Annabelle is a Licensed Professional Counselor and the owner of Renegade Counseling, a telehealth practice specializing in complex trauma, dissociation, and neurodivergent-affirming care. She works with adults across Colorado and Washington.

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A look at how Christina Applegate’s approach to naming her body parts mirrors parts work and Pain Reprocessing Therapy—helping people with chronic illness reduce fear, reframe pain, and rebuild a compassionate relationship with their bodies.

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How creating a space for your anger can help you cope with being around people you don't really want to be around

I’ve pulled together a holiday wishlist full of things that actually help — not the “must-have productivity bullet journal” hype, but real tools that me and people in my little ADHD-community lean on. Some of these are sensory, some are calming, some are just practical for a brain that forgets where it put its keys… again. This list is not sponsored — these are things that have brought relief or joy to real neurodivergent folks, myself included. My ADHD Gift Guide: What to Ask For (or Treat Yourself To) 1. Books & Workbooks The Anti-Planner If you’ve tried all the planners and they just end up collecting dust: this is for you. It’s not a dated planner — think of it more like an activity workbook for procrastinators. There are games, prompts, and low-pressure strategies to help you actually start stuff, even when motivation is MIA. It’s a favorite because it meets you where you are. Dani Donovan / Anti-Planner+1 Where to buy: You can order The Anti-Planner directly from the author’s site. Dani Donovan / Anti-Planner (Note: be careful of knockoffs.) Reddit+1 2. Fidgets & Sensory Tools Little Ouchie Grippie — This is one of our top picks in the office. It’s spiky, but in a grounding way — great for emotional regulation, calming down, or just giving your hands something to do when your brain is all over the place. Square Magic Dice — This is the fidget I can’t stop playing with. There’s a little hidden gem inside: a spinning-top spring surprise. It’s simultaneously weirdly magic and deeply satisfying. 3. Nervous System + Bedtime Support Pulsetto Vagus‑Nerve Device — Okay, full disclosure: I’m skeptical about how effective it is. BUT — I use it every night. The soundtrack, the ritual, the feel — it’s comforting. Pulsetto uses gentle vagus-nerve stimulation to help you relax, reset, and (supposedly) sleep better. 4. Grounding + Anxiety Soothers Bearaby Organic Cotton Weighted Blanket — Weighted blankets are a classic, and this one is dreamy. Soft knit cotton that’s breathable, but still gives that comforting hug. Perfect for calming down racing thoughts or overactive nerves. 5. Practical Lifesavers for the Forgetful Brain Apple AirTag — This is basically my “where are my keys? where’s my phone?” insurance. I’ve got like ten of these floating around, and on stressful days, “Find My” is my lifeline. 📝 A Few Other Beloved Ideas Beyond the main items, here are some bonus favorites from clients: Mini sensory stones or palm pebbles (textured, smooth, grounding) Visual timers (e.g., time-block timers) like the time timer A sunrise / gentle alarm clock (for less jarring wakeups) Noise-canceling headphones if the world feels too loud A self-care workbook (unplanner style) to track moods, energy, and needs 💬 Why These Items, Specifically I didn’t choose these just because they’re “trendy ADHD gifts.” Instead: These are things that people in my therapy space or IRL community actually use . They support emotional regulation , sensory needs , executive functioning , or daily brain stuff — not just productivity for the sake of “being busy.” Many are tools , not “fixes.” They’re not magic cures, but they help make life a little more manageable. ⚠️ Disclaimer This is just a personal list, curated from me + my clients. I’m not a product reviewer or a scientist — I’m a therapist + ADHD person. I cannot guarantee that these will “work” for you. Use your own judgment for anything with health or sensory implications. None of this is sponsored or affiliate-linked (unless you find links later, that’s your call — but not mine).

This post is for therapists in training and clients who would like to know a bit more about how I show up in session.

Being a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) means experiencing the world on a deeper level—physically, emotionally, and mentally. Dr. Elaine Aron, in The Highly Sensitive Person, describes HSPs as having a finely tuned nervous system that makes them more reactive to their surroundings. This sensitivity can be both a strength and a challenge, especially when it comes to illness, medication, and personal care. Psychotherapist Robin Shapiro expands on this idea, emphasizing the impact of environmental sensitivities and the importance of trauma-informed therapy.

This blog uses a series of steps to help you navigate your anxiety.