What's in a Name?

Annabelle Denmark, MA LPCC • July 19, 2023

Being a parent of a Gender Exploring Child

A name is a gift from a parent to a child. It speaks of history, culture, and belonging, and it is the first tangible connection of a parent to their child. Some parents go through religious ceremonies to sacralize the name. The child belongs to the family, the name belongs to the family as well. Beside some exceptions, names are gendered and reinforce the social expectation of behaviors linked to genders assigned at birth. This tradition, set through generations, wasn’t questioned until recently.

As a parent, counselor, and member of our local community, I have observed a quiet cultural revolution in the way that our children explore their identity. Where 30 years ago, kids would not change their name/pronouns, or very few did, it seems that many children today are setting on a journey of identity exploration by changing their names and pronouns, exploring in ways that families are not prepared for. There is a critical difference between past cultural trends of nicknames where both names could coexist, and today’s rejection of one’s birth name as a “dead name.” It also seems that often with a name change, the child also adopts new pronouns to facilitate their gender exploration.

From the parent’s point of view

The parents’ experience of their child coming out does not have a lot of research or space for conversation. Most websites and blogs I have perused talk about the experience of the child and the necessity for parents to be supportive. The content of those sites is important, but so is the parents’ experience and what it means for them to go through this process with their children. I cannot speak for all parents and all experiences, I can only speak from the lens of my own experience, and what has been shared with me by clients.

When a child comes out to their parents, by sharing their need for a different name, using different pronouns, and changing their gender, parents go through stages of grief, pain, loss, and rejection that is normal and to be expected.

Dos and Don’ts

If you are a parent going through this process, here are some dos and don’ts of taking care of yourself during this transitional phase or your relationship with your child

  • Don’t take it personally. Think of it as your child’s journey and not a rejection of you.
  • Don’t take it out on your child. Your child is not trying to hurt you. You are going through a process just as they are. When you feel angry, walk away. When you feel hurt, seek comfort with a partner or a friend.
  • Do tell them that you love them, and what you love about them, including parts of their new identity.
  • Do tell them that you will make mistakes, But that you will alway work on doing better.
  • Do ask your child for help on how to represent them to the outside world. When in doubt about how to address them in front of neighbors, friends, and family members, ask them, and then work out any fear.
  • Process your feelings away from your child. Seek therapy and/or a support group. Talk to other parents who are going through it. What you are feeling is normal, and needs to be shared with others who can help. Your child cannot and should not do that for you.

A paradigm shift

How can we, as parents, move forward with our children as they become? How can we shed an idea or belief that we have about them and stay open hearted to their experience?

We need to change our framework from clinging on to norms to opening ourselves to freedom. This freedom has been earned by our ancestors and it is now our turn to give it to our children.

Our children can receive the freedom to:

Be and to become.

Stumble, explore, and change their minds.

Love themselves, unconditionally, as we love them

This gift of freedom comes at a cost – we have to overcome our own fear and shame of judgment, our old patterns of seeing the world as it was. We have to change. And when we do, we set ourselves free.


The content of this blog is based on my personal and clinical experience. It is not a diagnostic tool. If you suspect you might have ADHD, please seek assessment by a qualified professional.  For more information about who i am, check out the about me page. For more info about what I do, check out the services page. And contact me here

December 16, 2025
How creating a space for your anger can help you cope with being around people you don't really want to be around
November 22, 2025
I’ve pulled together a holiday wishlist full of things that actually help — not the “must-have productivity bullet journal” hype, but real tools that me and people in my little ADHD-community lean on. Some of these are sensory, some are calming, some are just practical for a brain that forgets where it put its keys… again. This list is not sponsored — these are things that have brought relief or joy to real neurodivergent folks, myself included. My ADHD Gift Guide: What to Ask For (or Treat Yourself To) 1. Books & Workbooks The Anti-Planner If you’ve tried all the planners and they just end up collecting dust: this is for you. It’s not a dated planner — think of it more like an activity workbook for procrastinators. There are games, prompts, and low-pressure strategies to help you actually start stuff, even when motivation is MIA. It’s a favorite because it meets you where you are. Dani Donovan / Anti-Planner+1 Where to buy: You can order The Anti-Planner directly from the author’s site. Dani Donovan / Anti-Planner (Note: be careful of knockoffs.) Reddit+1 2. Fidgets & Sensory Tools Little Ouchie Grippie — This is one of our top picks in the office. It’s spiky, but in a grounding way — great for emotional regulation, calming down, or just giving your hands something to do when your brain is all over the place. Square Magic Dice — This is the fidget I can’t stop playing with. There’s a little hidden gem inside: a spinning-top spring surprise. It’s simultaneously weirdly magic and deeply satisfying. 3. Nervous System + Bedtime Support Pulsetto Vagus‑Nerve Device — Okay, full disclosure: I’m skeptical about how effective it is. BUT — I use it every night. The soundtrack, the ritual, the feel — it’s comforting. Pulsetto uses gentle vagus-nerve stimulation to help you relax, reset, and (supposedly) sleep better. 4. Grounding + Anxiety Soothers Bearaby Organic Cotton Weighted Blanket — Weighted blankets are a classic, and this one is dreamy. Soft knit cotton that’s breathable, but still gives that comforting hug. Perfect for calming down racing thoughts or overactive nerves. 5. Practical Lifesavers for the Forgetful Brain Apple AirTag — This is basically my “where are my keys? where’s my phone?” insurance. I’ve got like ten of these floating around, and on stressful days, “Find My” is my lifeline. 📝 A Few Other Beloved Ideas Beyond the main items, here are some bonus favorites from clients: Mini sensory stones or palm pebbles (textured, smooth, grounding) Visual timers (e.g., time-block timers) like the time timer A sunrise / gentle alarm clock (for less jarring wakeups) Noise-canceling headphones if the world feels too loud A self-care workbook (unplanner style) to track moods, energy, and needs 💬 Why These Items, Specifically I didn’t choose these just because they’re “trendy ADHD gifts.” Instead: These are things that people in my therapy space or IRL community actually use . They support emotional regulation , sensory needs , executive functioning , or daily brain stuff — not just productivity for the sake of “being busy.” Many are tools , not “fixes.” They’re not magic cures, but they help make life a little more manageable. ⚠️ Disclaimer This is just a personal list, curated from me + my clients. I’m not a product reviewer or a scientist — I’m a therapist + ADHD person. I cannot guarantee that these will “work” for you. Use your own judgment for anything with health or sensory implications. None of this is sponsored or affiliate-linked (unless you find links later, that’s your call — but not mine).
self portrait, green and yellow visual distortion
By Annabelle Denmark LPC May 1, 2025
This post is for therapists in training and clients who would like to know a bit more about how I show up in session.