Find your zen around your family this holiday season
A guide to finding your ground during challenging encounters, using Internal Family Systems
Family gatherings, particularly with relatives we’re hoping to maintain a relationship with but feel conflicted about, can be fraught with tension. You may want to approach these interactions with neutrality, but it can be hard when past emotions, unresolved issues, or triggering behaviors surface. Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy offers a powerful tool for navigating these tricky dynamics, helping you process internal reactions and show up as your best self in these situations.
Before heading into a family interaction that feels challenging—like a dinner with a relative you care about but also need to stay neutral with—taking a few moments to check in with yourself can make all the difference. The key is learning to work with your inner parts, the different facets of yourself that hold various emotions, beliefs, and reactions. Here’s a simple visualization exercise inspired by IFS to help you prepare emotionally and mentally before you see that person.
Step 1: Visualizing the Encounter
First, find a quiet space where you can focus inward without distractions. Close your eyes and visualize the person you’re about to meet. See them in a room with you, at a comfortable distance—just far enough that you don’t feel overwhelmed but close enough that you can sense their presence. Allow your mind to settle and observe how you feel towards them. Pay attention to any emotions that arise.
In IFS, these initial feelings are part of your "parts"—different aspects of your internal world that may be carrying past experiences, fears, or expectations. These feelings are often a mix of past wounds, protective instincts, and genuine desire to connect. Whatever emotional response emerges—be it discomfort, frustration, defensiveness, or even warmth—is valid, but it’s important to acknowledge that this reaction is just one part of you, not your whole self.
Step 2: Checking In with the Part of You
Now, ask yourself: What is this part worried about? What are you afraid might happen in this upcoming interaction? What does this part of you think is at stake in the relationship? Take a few moments to tune in to any physical sensations or thoughts that arise as you ask these questions.
It’s essential to give voice to whatever this part is feeling—whether it's fear of judgment, anxiety about conflict, or a desire for approval. The more you listen to this part, the more you can understand its motivation and its role in protecting you from emotional discomfort. Acknowledge that this part is trying to help, even if its methods aren't always in line with your greater goal of staying neutral.
Step 3: Creating Distance
Once you’ve acknowledged the worries and emotions of this part, ask it to step behind a glass wall. Imagine this glass wall as a safe barrier that allows you to keep the part's feelings and reactions in view without letting them overwhelm you. This barrier helps create the space you need to remain grounded and neutral, while also maintaining compassion for yourself.
Next, do the same for any other reactions you might have to the person—whether that’s resentment, guilt, or even affection. Each reaction or part can be stepped behind the glass wall, creating more emotional distance until you can clearly observe each one.
Step 4: Gaining Perspective
After you've moved all the parts to a safe distance behind the glass, check in with your overall emotional state. What do you feel now? You might notice a shift towards neutrality, curiosity, or even compassion for the person you’re about to see. This is a powerful indication that you’ve processed the parts of you that were contributing to conflict, and you’ve created space for a more balanced, open interaction.
It’s important to notice how you feel internally once these parts are no longer front and center. With no part needing to step in between you and the person, you may find that you feel lighter, calmer, and more open to the possibility of connection. The relationship is no longer defined by your internal emotional landscape; it’s defined by your ability to be present and neutral, while still being true to yourself.
Step 5: Embracing Neutrality or even Compassion
By the time you meet this person, you’ve cleared away much of the emotional baggage that could have clouded the interaction. You’ve given each part of yourself a voice, allowed them to be heard, and then created the space to step forward with compassion and curiosity. This doesn’t mean you have to ignore past hurt or grievances, but it does mean that you’ve processed those feelings enough to show up with intention and openness.
The beauty of IFS is that it allows us to create harmony between our inner parts, so we can navigate difficult relationships with clarity, presence, and, when possible, genuine connection. By using this approach, you can approach family interactions with a sense of peace and emotional neutrality, helping to foster healthier relationships and a deeper understanding of yourself.
A Note on Safety
While this visualization exercise can be a helpful tool, it’s essential to prioritize your safety. If the person you are interacting with has a history of physical or verbal violence, these techniques may not be appropriate. You are not obligated to engage with someone who poses a threat to your well-being, and your safety should always come first.
Disclaimer
This blog is inspired by Introduction to Internal Family Systems (IFS) by Dr. Richard Schwartz. It is not a replacement for therapy. If you are struggling or feel you need additional support, please seek help from a qualified mental health professional.
