New blog fresh from the oven

The In-Between: On Never Quite Landing — And Learning to Be Okay With That

Wed, 11 Mar 2026 17:44:43 GMT

New Title

I am 47 years old. I have now lived outside my birth country for longer than I ever lived inside it. Do the math, and somewhere in my late twenties, a quiet threshold was crossed — one I didn't notice at the time, but that I feel in my bones every single day.

I belong nowhere. And I belong everywhere. Both of those things are true, and neither of them is comfortable.

It isn't just geography. My brain is wired differently — ADHD, and what I experience as high sensitivity that makes the world louder, brighter, heavier than most people seem to find it. I process things differently. I feel things differently. I present differently. In any room I walk into, something is always slightly off — a conversation I can't quite follow the social rhythm of, a joke that lands two seconds too late for me, an emotional register that everyone else seems to have agreed upon without sending me the memo.

I have started more businesses than I care to count. I have held more jobs than I can list on a résumé without embarrassment. For about fifteen years, the central question of my life was: where do I go, and what do I do when I get there? I moved. I switched. I tried. I failed. I tried again. Not because I was lost exactly — but because I was always, stubbornly, looking for the place that fit.

Here is what I have learned: the fit may not exist. Or rather — I may not be the kind of person who fits.

And slowly, achingly, I am making peace with that.

I work now with people who live in their own versions of the in-between. People who don't know what comes next, who feel the discomfort of a present moment that offers no clear answers, no exit signs, no landing strip in sight. I understand them from the inside. Not because I read about it — but because I have lived it, and in many ways, I still do.

The work — mine, and theirs — comes back to a single, brutal practice: accepting what is . Not what was. Not what might be. What is, right now, in all its uncomfortable, unresolved, in-between-ness.

The poet Andrea Gibson writes about the pull between past and future — and what it costs us to miss the present tense. As the late Andrea Gibson shared with us “ Regret is a time machine to the past. Worry is a time machine to the future. Gratitude is a time machine to the present. No one books my travel for me. I decide where I want to go ”. It stops me every time I read it. Because to me being present isn't peaceful. It is a confrontation. It brings grief. Anger. The particular sadness of releasing a future you were certain was coming.

Presence is not an arrival. It is a practice of letting go — over and over — of the story that somewhere, someday, you will finally land.

Maybe I won't land. Maybe that was never the point.

Maybe the in-between is the life.

And maybe — just maybe — there is something quietly powerful about learning to live there with your eyes open.

When Christina Applegate Names Her Legs: What Parts Work Teaches Us About Chronic Illness

Wed, 25 Feb 2026 18:50:20 GMT

When Christina Applegate Names Her Legs: What Parts Work Teaches Us About Chronic Illness

In a recent interview on Jimmy Kimmel Live!, Christina Applegate shared that she has named her arms and legs. Each limb has its own name and relationship to the others.

She was talking about living with Multiple sclerosis (MS).

It might sound quirky at first. It’s not.

What she is describing is remarkably aligned with what we do in parts work and Pain Reprocessing Therapy (PRT): changing the relationship to illness in order to reduce fear, increase agency, and soften suffering.

The Problem Isn’t Just the Pain

With chronic illness and chronic pain, there is often more happening than tissue damage alone.

Research in Pain Reprocessing Therapy shows that part of chronic pain is maintained by the brain’s danger signal. When the brain interprets sensation as threatening, it amplifies it. The more fearful we become of the sensation, the louder the signal can get. This creates a loop:

Sensation → fear → danger signal → amplified pain → more fear

This does not mean the pain is “in your head.”
It means your nervous system is trying to protect you.

PRT helps clients reinterpret certain chronic pain signals as non-dangerous, which can reduce the brain’s alarm response. When the fear decreases, the intensity often decreases. Clients regain a sense of agency.

Externalizing to Change the Relationship

When Applegate names her legs, she is externalizing them. She is creating psychological space between her core Self and the parts of her body impacted by MS.

That space matters.

In parts work (including Internal Family Systems–informed approaches), we understand symptoms as communications from parts of us. Rather than fighting the pain, we get curious about it.

Instead of:

“My body is betraying me.”

We move toward:

“A part of my body is struggling. Can I listen?”

Externalizing reduces fusion. In IFS language, we “unblend.” The pain is no longer all of me . It is a part of me that needs attention.

That shift alone can reduce helplessness.

Example: Chronic Back Pain

A client presents with chronic back pain. Medical workups show no ongoing structural cause. The pain persists.

Instead of only focusing on symptom reduction, the counselor might invite:

Noticing
“As you tune into your back, what do you notice?”
Locating the Part
“If this pain had a voice, what might it say?”
Unblending
“Can you sense that the pain is there — and that there is also a ‘you’ noticing it?”
Compassionate Communication
“What happens if you let this part know you’re listening?”

Clients are often surprised. The pain may shift, soften, move, or express fear, exhaustion, anger, or overwhelm.

The goal is not to eliminate the part.
The goal is to change the relationship.

Why This Works

When we approach pain with curiosity instead of fear:

The brain receives fewer danger cues.
The nervous system down-regulates.
The sense of internal war decreases.
Agency increases.

In parts work, the Self brings qualities like calm, curiosity, compassion, and clarity to distressed parts. When a hurting body part is treated like an enemy, it escalates. When it is treated like a distressed member of the system, it often settles.

Naming a limb.
Talking to a painful back.
Thanking a migraine for trying to protect you.

These are not denial strategies. They are nervous system interventions.

From Betrayal to Relationship

Chronic illness often comes with grief. There is loss, anger, and fear. Parts work does not bypass that. It makes room for it.

By naming her limbs, Christina Applegate is reclaiming relationship. She is saying: You are struggling. You are not my enemy.

And that shift — from battle to dialogue — can reduce suffering in ways that medication alone cannot.

Pain may still be present.
But it no longer runs the entire system.

And that is powerful.

Parts Work: A Step-by-Step Routine for Times of Feeling Rejected, Alone, Frustrated, or Stuck

Thu, 22 Jan 2026 17:32:23 GMT

The body content of your post goes here. To edit this text, click on it and delete this default text and start typing your own or paste your own from a different source.

The Anger Room: A Parts Work Strategy for the Holidays

Tue, 16 Dec 2025 16:57:27 GMT

How creating a space for your anger can help you cope with being around people you don't really want to be around

We’re all made of parts. Parts are emotions towards yourself, others or particular situations. A part of you may, for example fell annoyed, another part could feel confused, yet another may feel intimidated towards one person. A parent, a friend, a coworker—anyone can activate a part. And during the holidays, those parts tend to show up louder and quicker.

One part I especially love working with is the angry part. Not because it’s easy—because it’s honest. Anger wants you to have boundaries. It wants you to say no. It wants you to stop abandoning yourself. But sometimes that angry part is carrying so much that it needs a safe place to let off steam before you can hear what it’s trying to tell you.

I learned a powerful strategy for this from Robyn Shapiro during ego state training: the Anger Room .

At the time, I had a very angry part—more of a social-justice, what-the-actual-hell-is-wrong-with-the-world part. Robyn asked me to visualize a room that was completely soundproof and emotion-proof, meaning nothing leaked outside—not sound, not energy, not emotion. The room could look like anything. I chose a padded room (I’ve always secretly wanted to work in a psych hospital).

Inside that room, my angry part had 3 full minutes to say and do whatever it needed. And it did . I howled internally, collapsed on the floor, slammed my fists, punched the walls, and even turned into a Tasmanian devil—a tiny black tornado spinning around the room. After three minutes, Robyn stopped the exercise. And I felt so much better . Clearer. Grounded. Like something heavy had shifted.

If you want to try this practice, here’s how:

How to Do the Anger Room Exercise

Locate your angry part.
Notice where it sits in your body. What does it look or feel like? What does it want you to know?
Create the room.
Visualize a completely soundproof, emotion-proof space. Nothing gets out.
It can be:
– grandma’s house
– a drum practice room
– a padded psych ward room
– a rage room
– literally anything
Set a timer for 3 minutes.
In this exercise, each minute represents an hour. Your angry part gets “three hours” inside this room.
Let your part loose.
Inside the room, let your angry part do whatever it needs: yell, cry, smash imaginary objects, stomp, spin, flail. Your job is to observe , not interfere.
Check in afterward.
Let your part come out of the room. Ask it how it feels. What shifted? What does it need now?
Ground yourself.
Do some breathing, stretching, or a calm-place visualization to come fully back into your body.

This is a simple exercise, but incredibly effective for people who carry anger that’s been silenced, shamed, or pushed aside. Especially during the holiday season, when old roles and old wounds tend to flare, having a safe internal place for anger to release can make all the difference.

Your angry part isn’t the problem.
It’s the protector.
Let it be heard—safely—and it will help you come back to yourself.

🎁 Holiday Wishlist for ADHDers — Curated by Me + My Clients

Sat, 22 Nov 2025 14:56:45 GMT

I’ve pulled together a holiday wishlist full of things that actually help — not the “must-have productivity bullet journal” hype, but real tools that me and people in my little ADHD-community lean on. Some of these are sensory, some are calming, some are just practical for a brain that forgets where it put its keys… again.

This list is not sponsored — these are things that have brought relief or joy to real neurodivergent folks, myself included.

My ADHD Gift Guide: What to Ask For (or Treat Yourself To)

1. Books & Workbooks

The Anti-Planner
If you’ve tried all the planners and they just end up collecting dust: this is for you. It’s not a dated planner — think of it more like an activity workbook for procrastinators. There are games, prompts, and low-pressure strategies to help you actually start stuff, even when motivation is MIA. It’s a favorite because it meets you where you are. Dani Donovan / Anti-Planner+1

Where to buy:

You can order The Anti-Planner directly from the author’s site. Dani Donovan / Anti-Planner
(Note: be careful of knockoffs.) Reddit+1

2. Fidgets & Sensory Tools

Little Ouchie Grippie — This is one of our top picks in the office. It’s spiky, but in a grounding way — great for emotional regulation, calming down, or just giving your hands something to do when your brain is all over the place.
Square Magic Dice — This is the fidget I can’t stop playing with. There’s a little hidden gem inside: a spinning-top spring surprise. It’s simultaneously weirdly magic and deeply satisfying.

3. Nervous System + Bedtime Support

Pulsetto Vagus‑Nerve Device — Okay, full disclosure: I’m skeptical about how effective it is. BUT — I use it every night. The soundtrack, the ritual, the feel — it’s comforting. Pulsetto uses gentle vagus-nerve stimulation to help you relax, reset, and (supposedly) sleep better.

4. Grounding + Anxiety Soothers

Bearaby Organic Cotton Weighted Blanket — Weighted blankets are a classic, and this one is dreamy. Soft knit cotton that’s breathable, but still gives that comforting hug. Perfect for calming down racing thoughts or overactive nerves.

5. Practical Lifesavers for the Forgetful Brain

Apple AirTag — This is basically my “where are my keys? where’s my phone?” insurance. I’ve got like ten of these floating around, and on stressful days, “Find My” is my lifeline.

�� A Few Other Beloved Ideas

Beyond the main items, here are some bonus favorites from clients:

Mini sensory stones or palm pebbles (textured, smooth, grounding)
Visual timers (e.g., time-block timers) like the time timer
A sunrise / gentle alarm clock (for less jarring wakeups)
Noise-canceling headphones if the world feels too loud
A self-care workbook (unplanner style) to track moods, energy, and needs

�� Why These Items, Specifically

I didn’t choose these just because they’re “trendy ADHD gifts.” Instead:

These are things that people in my therapy space or IRL community actually use .
They support emotional regulation , sensory needs , executive functioning , or daily brain stuff — not just productivity for the sake of “being busy.”
Many are tools , not “fixes.” They’re not magic cures, but they help make life a little more manageable.

⚠️ Disclaimer

This is just a personal list, curated from me + my clients. I’m not a product reviewer or a scientist — I’m a therapist + ADHD person.

I cannot guarantee that these will “work” for you.
Use your own judgment for anything with health or sensory implications.
None of this is sponsored or affiliate-linked (unless you find links later, that’s your call — but not mine).

Myself as therapist

Thu, 01 May 2025 17:40:00 GMT

What it means to show up authentically in sessions with clients

The Self of the Therapist: Showing Up as We Are

In the therapy room, we often talk about authenticity—encouraging clients to show up as their full selves. But what about us, the therapists? What does it mean to bring our whole selves into this work? For me, the answer lies in the intersection of grit, roots, and a refusal to pretend I’m someone I’m not.

I come from the north of France, a region shaped by coal, farmland, and war. Generations of my family worked with their hands—blue-collar, practical people who survived on resilience and realism. My grandmothers lived through occupation during WWII, raising families under scarcity and fear, and somehow never losing their sharp sense of humor. That legacy lives in me. As a therapist, I bring that same no-nonsense presence: I won’t waste your time with fluff, and I’m not afraid of pain, grief, or hard truths.

I’m an immigrant. I’ve lived in the U.S. for over 20 years. I’m French, and I’m white. That means I carry privilege—I don’t face racism or systemic barriers because of the color of my skin. But being an immigrant still leaves a mark. There’s a low hum of unbelonging I carry every day, a sense that no matter how long I’ve been here, I’ll never quite be “from here.” People notice the accent. The different references. The gap between how I see the world and how the culture around me operates.

For a long time, I minimized that part of myself. I didn’t want to take up space with my story or my differences. I was afraid it would center me instead of my clients. But a supervisor once told me something that changed how I work: “Use your privilege as a strength—not something to be ashamed of. That doesn’t serve you or your clients.” She was right.

Now, I lean into all of it. I don’t pretend to be neutral. I show up fully. ADHD brain, direct language, big heart, and all. I name mistakes when I make them. I check my biases. I laugh with clients, cry with them when needed, and speak plainly—especially when it's hard. I work with other neurodivergent folks, immigrants, people figuring out who they are in a world that tries to box them in. And I meet them where they are, because I know what it’s like to feel like you’re never quite “doing it right.”

The self of the therapist is not a polished, perfect figure who floats above the work. It’s a living, breathing person, shaped by history, pain, joy, and identity. My background—my quirks, my people, my accent, my privilege—is not baggage to hide, but material to work with.

Clients don’t need perfection. They need someone real. Someone who shows up, not just as a professional, but as a person. That’s the therapist I try to be—one who honors where I come from, and uses that to walk with others toward where they want to go.

Annabelle Denmark (she/they), MA, LPC is a therapist based in Lakewood, CO. They specialize in trauma informed (Parts work, EMDR and Sensorimotor Psychotherapy) individual therapy for neurodivergent adults

You can find them at https://www.renegadecounseling.com

The Hidden Struggles of Highly Sensitive People

Sun, 16 Mar 2025 22:57:35 GMT

Illness, Medications, and Self-Care

Being a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) means experiencing the world on a deeper level—physically, emotionally, and mentally. Dr. Elaine Aron, in The Highly Sensitive Person , describes HSPs as having a finely tuned nervous system that makes them more reactive to their surroundings. This sensitivity can be both a strength and a challenge, especially when it comes to illness, medication, and personal care. Psychotherapist Robin Shapiro expands on this idea, emphasizing the impact of environmental sensitivities and the importance of trauma-informed therapy.

Getting Sick Hits Differently

Existing research supports the notion that HSPs may experience both intensified physical symptoms and emotional distress during illness, though more targeted studies are needed to comprehensively understand these interactions. In my practice and day to day life I have noticed the impact on getting sick and the increase of either anxiety or depression in my HSP clients.

Medications Pack a Punch

Ever felt like a small dose of medication hits you way harder than it should? You're not alone. Dr. Aron explains that HSPs often react more intensely to medications, experiencing stronger side effects from stimulants, sedatives, and even basic over-the-counter drugs. Antidepressants, for example, can feel too intense at standard doses. This means HSPs should work closely with their healthcare providers to adjust dosages and find the right balance for their sensitive system.

Skin Care and Chemical Sensitivities

HSPs often struggle with skin care products and environmental chemicals. Robin Shapiro highlights Multiple Chemical Sensitivities (MCS) as a common issue among sensitive individuals. Harsh fragrances, preservatives, and synthetic additives in skincare or household products can cause rashes, headaches, or general discomfort. Many HSPs find that switching to fragrance-free, natural, and hypoallergenic products helps avoid these reactions.

Rejection Sensitivity and the Need for Calm

HSPs also tend to experience heightened rejection sensitivity, meaning criticism, social exclusion, or even perceived disapproval can feel crushing. Their highly sensitive polyvagal system—a key part of emotional regulation—makes them more reactive to conflict and stress. This is why calm, supportive environments are essential for emotional well-being.

Both Aron and Shapiro emphasize the need for self-care and self-compassion. Therapy that validates and accommodates high sensitivity (rather than treating it as a problem) can be life-changing. Grounding techniques like mindfulness, deep breathing, and polyvagal exercises can also help regulate emotions and reduce overstimulation.

Thriving as an HSP

Living as an HSP isn’t about toughening up—it’s about understanding and honoring your unique needs. Being mindful of medication responses, choosing gentle personal care products, and creating a soothing, low-stimulation environment can help HSPs feel balanced. As Dr. Aron says, "Being highly sensitive does not at all rule out being, in your own way, a tenacious survivor." And as Robin Shapiro reminds us, "You do not have to continue to experience yourself as less than, regardless of where those messages come from."

Further Reading:

The Highly Sensitive Person by Dr. Elaine Aron
Doing Psychotherapy: A Trauma and Attachment-Informed Approach by Robin Shapiro
https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2005.11.021.

Annabelle Denmark (she/they), MA, LPC is a therapist based in Lakewood, CO, They specialize in trauma informed (Parts work, EMDR and Sensorimotor Psychotherapy) individual therapy for neurodivergent adults

You can find them at https://www.renegadecounseling.com

Swimming Through the Current of Anxiety: Tools for Stability

Thu, 13 Feb 2025 00:00:05 GMT

Here is a list of tools to help you navigate your (and the ambient) anxiety

Right now, many people are feeling anxious, dysregulated, and uncertain. The world seems like a chaotic place, and that feeling of unease can be contagious. Just like stepping into a room full of anger can make you tense, being surrounded by collective fear and stress can deeply affect your own nervous system.

So, how do we swim through this current rather than being dragged under? Here are six essential tools to help you regain stability and resilience in turbulent times.

1. Discipline and Routine: The Foundation of Stability

It may sound basic, but structure is fundamental. Keeping a routine around sleep, food, and movement can anchor you when everything else feels unstable. Aim for consistent sleep patterns, nourishing meals, and daily movement—even if it’s just stretching or a short walk. When your body has predictability, your mind follows suit, making it easier to navigate stressors.

2. Community: Find Your People

Humans are wired for connection. In moments of crisis or instability, isolating yourself can make anxiety feel even heavier. Finding a group—a nonprofit, a band, a book club, a local advocacy team—where you can engage in something larger than yourself is powerful. Talking about something beyond stressors, working toward a shared goal, or simply laughing together can help shift your nervous system out of fight-or-flight mode.

3. A Sense of Purpose: Give Your Mind Direction

Uncertainty can feel paralyzing, but purpose acts as a compass. It doesn’t have to be grand. On a large scale, you could join an advocacy group or volunteer for a cause. On a smaller scale, learning a new skill, improving on a hobby, or even setting personal growth goals can provide a sense of control and direction. When your mind has something to focus on, it’s less likely to spiral into anxiety.

4. Timed Distractions: A Healthy Balance

Distractions can be a helpful coping tool—when used intentionally. Watching an episode of your favorite show, scrolling for five minutes, or playing a short game can offer relief. But too much can lead to dissatisfaction and numbness. The key is setting limits. Use a timer or pick a set number of episodes or minutes, so you don’t slip into avoidance rather than regulation.

5. A Toolbox for Regulation: Build Your Own Resourcing Kit

When anxiety takes over, it helps to have go-to tools for grounding. Create a list or a physical box filled with ideas, such as:

Playing a favorite song or curated playlist
Smelling a scent that helps you feel present (lavender, peppermint, citrus)
Hugging a pet or weighted plush
Singing, humming (great for vagus nerve activation), or laughing
Jumping jacks, shaking your arms, or dancing to release tension
Watching a candle burn or focusing on a soothing visual
Cuddling under a weighted blanket or wearing a compression vest

Having these tools at the ready makes it easier to shift out of distress when needed.

6. Nourishment: Support Your Gut, Support Your Mind

Your gut health and mental health are deeply connected. Eating fermented foods like kimchi, yogurt, and sauerkraut (if not contraindicated) can support a balanced gut microbiome, which in turn supports mood regulation. Other nourishing foods include:

Omega-3-rich foods like salmon, flaxseeds, and walnuts
Dark leafy greens for their folate and magnesium
Berries and citrus fruits, high in antioxidants
Complex carbohydrates like quinoa, sweet potatoes, and oats to stabilize blood sugar

The Takeaway

These are challenging times, but you have tools to help you navigate them. By creating structure, seeking community, finding purpose, balancing distractions, curating a resourcing toolkit, and nourishing your body, you can build resilience.

You are not alone in this. Keep swimming.

Baking Sourdough Bread as an ADHDer

Thu, 30 Jan 2025 16:59:07 GMT

(Bonus: ADHD-Friendly Recipe at the End!)

I was born and raised in France, where fresh, crusty bread is a daily staple. There’s nothing quite like the smell of a well-baked loaf, with its crispy golden crust and airy crumb. After years of struggling to find good bread where I live, I decided to take matters into my own hands.

Naturally, this led to an ADHD-fueled hyperfocus on sourdough baking. For the past two months, I’ve been in an “all or nothing” deep dive—buying books (half-read), learning fancy baking terms, and accumulating new kitchen gadgets. I’ve watched endless videos, rapidly scrolling past the slow parts, soaking in just enough information to get started.

And, of course, my kitchen has turned into a gluten-covered disaster multiple times.

Here’s what I’ve learned from my chaotic but rewarding sourdough journey:

1. Time Is an Illusion

I used to think baking had to happen at a specific time—like, start at 6 AM for the perfect loaf. Nope. Now, I begin whenever my brain allows me to. Sometimes that’s 2 PM. Sometimes later. And that’s okay. Start your starter in the morning for baking in the afternoon, or the night before for mixing the next morning.

2. Low-Maintenance Starter Strategy

I’m not great at maintaining routines, so my sourdough starter lives in the fridge until I need it. When I’m ready to bake, I take out 40g of starter, feed it 80g flour and 80g water, and use all but 40g—then back to the fridge it goes. No daily feeding required.

3. Impatience Calls for a Warming Mat

ADHD and waiting? Not a great combo. I use a warming mat to speed up fermentation because I tend to forget about my dough otherwise. (And when I forget, things get... weird.)

4. Hyperfocus Is a Superpower (Until It’s Not)

I’ve realized that I won’t stay obsessed with sourdough forever. ADHD interests fade, and that’s okay. I use my hyperfocus phase to build a solid foundation—learning by doing, tweaking recipes, and getting a feel for the process. That way, when my interest inevitably shifts, I’ll still know how to bake without overthinking it.

5. Trust Your ADHDer Intuition

Strict timelines don’t always work for me, so I’ve learned to bake by feeling instead. I pay attention to how the dough looks, feels, and smells rather than relying on exact timers. ADHD intuition is a gift—use it! Over time, you’ll start to sense when the dough is ready to move on to the next step.

ADHD-Friendly Sourdough Recipe

The easiest recipe I’ve found (and tweaked) is from The Perfect Loaf . Here’s how I make it work for my ADHD brain:

I skip the levain step. Straight to mixing what I created with my starter. I only use levain if the recipe is NOT sourdough bread.
I don’t follow strict timelines —I shorten the bulk ferment by 30 minutes since I keep things warm.
I speed up the preshape step —waiting only 15 minutes because the dry Colorado air messes with my dough.
I adjust the fridge time as needed —sometimes longer, sometimes shorter, depending on my mood and schedule.

You can find the original recipe here: Simple Weekday Sourdough Bread – The Perfect Loaf

Sourdough baking as an ADHDer is messy, experimental, and unpredictable—but also incredibly satisfying. If you’ve been thinking about trying it, just start. Make the process work for your brain, trust your intuition, and most importantly—enjoy the bread!

Annabelle Denmark (she/they), LPC is a therapist based in Lakewood, CO, They specialize in individual therapy for neurodivergent adults. Annabelle utilizes IFS, EMDR and sensorimotor psychotherapy to support people on their healing journey.

You can find them at www.renegadecounseling.com

Find your zen around your family this holiday season

Wed, 27 Nov 2024 20:31:57 GMT

A guide to finding your ground during challenging encounters, using Internal Family Systems

Family gatherings, particularly with relatives we’re hoping to maintain a relationship with but feel conflicted about, can be fraught with tension. You may want to approach these interactions with neutrality, but it can be hard when past emotions, unresolved issues, or triggering behaviors surface. Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy offers a powerful tool for navigating these tricky dynamics, helping you process internal reactions and show up as your best self in these situations.

Before heading into a family interaction that feels challenging—like a dinner with a relative you care about but also need to stay neutral with—taking a few moments to check in with yourself can make all the difference. The key is learning to work with your inner parts, the different facets of yourself that hold various emotions, beliefs, and reactions. Here’s a simple visualization exercise inspired by IFS to help you prepare emotionally and mentally before you see that person.

Step 1: Visualizing the Encounter

First, find a quiet space where you can focus inward without distractions. Close your eyes and visualize the person you’re about to meet. See them in a room with you, at a comfortable distance—just far enough that you don’t feel overwhelmed but close enough that you can sense their presence. Allow your mind to settle and observe how you feel towards them. Pay attention to any emotions that arise.

In IFS, these initial feelings are part of your "parts"—different aspects of your internal world that may be carrying past experiences, fears, or expectations. These feelings are often a mix of past wounds, protective instincts, and genuine desire to connect. Whatever emotional response emerges—be it discomfort, frustration, defensiveness, or even warmth—is valid, but it’s important to acknowledge that this reaction is just one part of you, not your whole self.

Step 2: Checking In with the Part of You

Now, ask yourself: What is this part worried about? What are you afraid might happen in this upcoming interaction? What does this part of you think is at stake in the relationship? Take a few moments to tune in to any physical sensations or thoughts that arise as you ask these questions.

It’s essential to give voice to whatever this part is feeling—whether it's fear of judgment, anxiety about conflict, or a desire for approval. The more you listen to this part, the more you can understand its motivation and its role in protecting you from emotional discomfort. Acknowledge that this part is trying to help, even if its methods aren't always in line with your greater goal of staying neutral.

Step 3: Creating Distance

Once you’ve acknowledged the worries and emotions of this part, ask it to step behind a glass wall. Imagine this glass wall as a safe barrier that allows you to keep the part's feelings and reactions in view without letting them overwhelm you. This barrier helps create the space you need to remain grounded and neutral, while also maintaining compassion for yourself.

Next, do the same for any other reactions you might have to the person—whether that’s resentment, guilt, or even affection. Each reaction or part can be stepped behind the glass wall, creating more emotional distance until you can clearly observe each one.

Step 4: Gaining Perspective

After you've moved all the parts to a safe distance behind the glass, check in with your overall emotional state. What do you feel now? You might notice a shift towards neutrality, curiosity, or even compassion for the person you’re about to see. This is a powerful indication that you’ve processed the parts of you that were contributing to conflict, and you’ve created space for a more balanced, open interaction.

It’s important to notice how you feel internally once these parts are no longer front and center. With no part needing to step in between you and the person, you may find that you feel lighter, calmer, and more open to the possibility of connection. The relationship is no longer defined by your internal emotional landscape; it’s defined by your ability to be present and neutral, while still being true to yourself.

Step 5: Embracing Neutrality or even Compassion

By the time you meet this person, you’ve cleared away much of the emotional baggage that could have clouded the interaction. You’ve given each part of yourself a voice, allowed them to be heard, and then created the space to step forward with compassion and curiosity. This doesn’t mean you have to ignore past hurt or grievances, but it does mean that you’ve processed those feelings enough to show up with intention and openness.

The beauty of IFS is that it allows us to create harmony between our inner parts, so we can navigate difficult relationships with clarity, presence, and, when possible, genuine connection. By using this approach, you can approach family interactions with a sense of peace and emotional neutrality, helping to foster healthier relationships and a deeper understanding of yourself.

A Note on Safety
While this visualization exercise can be a helpful tool, it’s essential to prioritize your safety. If the person you are interacting with has a history of physical or verbal violence, these techniques may not be appropriate. You are not obligated to engage with someone who poses a threat to your well-being, and your safety should always come first.

Disclaimer
This blog is inspired by Introduction to Internal Family Systems (IFS) by Dr. Richard Schwartz. It is not a replacement for therapy. If you are struggling or feel you need additional support, please seek help from a qualified mental health professional.

Holiday Gift Ideas for Neurodivergent Adults (or Yourself!)

Tue, 26 Nov 2024 20:42:48 GMT

Running out of ideas? Here is a list that may inspire you!

The holidays are a time for giving, receiving, and creating moments of joy—and what better way to do that than with gifts that truly meet the needs of your loved ones? If you or someone you care about is an adult with ADHD, autism, or Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome (EDS), this list is filled with thoughtful, sensory-friendly, and practical ideas. Whether you’re shopping for someone special or treating yourself, these gifts bring a little extra comfort and care to everyday life.

1. Weighted Teddy Bear: A Hug You Can Keep Forever

Bumpas plushies are more than just adorable—they’re designed to give you a full-body hug, thanks to their weighted arms and soothing textures. Perfect for grounding during stressful moments or just curling up with after a long day. Think of them as your new best friend, minus the small talk.

Shop Bumpas

There’s something magical about a weighted plush like Benji Bear. With its gentle pressure, it’s like receiving a warm, grounding hug whenever you need one. Perfect for sensory regulation, calming anxiety, or simply curling up after a long day.

Shop Benji Bear

2. Handmade Sensory Plushies: Unique Comfort

Sometimes, a handmade gift feels extra special. These plushies from Etsy provide sensory soothing with a personal touch:

CuddleCalm : Weighted, soft, and perfect for grounding during overwhelming moments.
Plushie Dreadfuls : This shop offers plush companions like the Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome Hypermobility Rabbit, which celebrates and validates unique physical experiences.

3. Visual Timers: Gentle Reminders for Busy Minds

If managing time feels like an uphill climb, a Time Timer can make life so much easier. Its simple visual design helps you see time pass in a way that’s calming and motivating, whether you’re focusing on work or reminding yourself to take a well-deserved break.

Explore Time Timers

4. Fidget Tools: Small But Mighty Helpers

Fidget tools aren’t just fun—they’re a lifeline for managing focus, sensory needs, and stress. These options are designed for adults:

Gyroscope Spinner : Sleek and engaging, this spinner provides a calming outlet for restless energy.
Weighted Stress Ball : Perfect for squeezing away stress while offering a soothing, grounding sensation.

5. Calm Strips: Sensory Comfort on the Go

These discreet, textured stickers are wonderful for grounding during busy or overwhelming moments. Stick a Calm Strip on your phone, laptop, or desk for a touch of calm whenever you need it most.

Discover Calm Strips

6. Pillow Putty: A Squishy Sensory Delight

Soft, stretchy, and endlessly satisfying, Pillow Putty is the ultimate tool for fidgeting, relaxing, or simply keeping your hands busy while your brain works through ideas. It’s perfect for moments when you need to pause and reset.

Shop Pillow Putty

7. PlanetBox: For Meals Made Simple and Organized

The PlanetBox lunchbox makes mealtime feel effortless. Its organized compartments help reduce decision fatigue and bring a sense of structure to your day—ideal for adults juggling busy schedules or trying to make food prep a little less stressful.

View PlanetBox

8. Weighted Blankets: Your New Favorite Comfort

There’s nothing quite like the calming embrace of a weighted blanket. Designed to help regulate the nervous system and improve sleep, they’re a gift of comfort, relaxation, and a little extra peace at the end of the day.

The best gifts are those that show care and thoughtfulness—and every item on this list does just that. Whether you’re giving to a loved one or yourself, these gifts are about more than objects; they’re tools for comfort, connection, and support.

9. Weighted hoodies

See this blog here where I list a few of options !

Best Weighted Hoodie on the Market

Wishing you a warm, sensory-friendly holiday season filled with peace and joy. ��✨

Mindful Gaze: A Simple Exercise to Calm Your Brain and Boost Focus

Mon, 30 Sep 2024 19:46:13 GMT

In the fast-paced whirlwind of modern life, many of us—especially those with ADHD, sensory sensitivities, or simply too much on our minds—often struggle to focus on one task at a time. It's easy to get lost in the mental noise, feeling pulled in a dozen directions. Sometimes, our brains can feel like chaotic storm clouds, bouncing from one thought to the next without pause.

What if I told you that you can train your brain to slow down, like a diver gently surfacing from the depths of the ocean? With mindful attention, you can regain clarity and focus by progressively slowing down your mind and body. The method I'll describe is a simple yet powerful exercise that requires nothing more than your gaze and a willingness to take things slow. It’s a practice that can be particularly helpful for ADHDers or anyone feeling chaotic, overwhelmed, or in need of grounding.

The Exercise: Mindful Gaze for Calming Focus

This practice helps you shift from a state of frantic distraction to focused calm by simply observing your surroundings in a slow, deliberate manner. It’s a bit like doing a mental reset, allowing you to gently reel your attention back in.

Step 1: Start with 5 Things You Can See

To begin, pick a comfortable spot in your environment—your office, a room, even outdoors—where you can observe without interruptions. Let your eyes softly scan the room and choose five objects around you.

For the first object, settle your gaze on it. Really look at it. Tell yourself, "I have nothing else to do but focus on this one object." For the next 5 seconds, allow yourself to just see it. Pay attention to its details—its color, shape, texture, even shadows or light that touch it. Don’t rush this. You only have this one task.

Step 2: Transition Slowly to the Second Object

When you’re ready to move on, do so slowly. Let your gaze travel softly from the first object to the second one. As your attention lands on the second object, take your time. This time, allow yourself 8 seconds to observe it. Again, remind yourself, "There’s nothing else to do right now except focus on this object."

Take in the details with your eyes. Notice if your body starts to feel a bit calmer, as though you’re gently moving through water. With each passing second, you might feel the rush of urgency begin to quiet.

Step 3: Slower Still for the Third Object

As you transition to the third object, slow down even further. Take your time to let your gaze shift from the second object to the third. Once you land on it, spend 10 seconds soaking in the details. There’s nothing else to do but observe. No rush. No pressure. Just quiet, focused attention.

You’re progressively teaching your mind to slow down by stretching the space between tasks, just like a diver pausing between stages of ascent to avoid feeling overwhelmed.

Step 4: Continue Until You Feel Calm

You can continue this process with the fourth and fifth objects, extending the time spent with each new focus point. Or, if you start to feel calmer after the third or fourth object, that’s okay too. The point is to progress slowly and allow your mind to catch up with the present moment.

Beyond Sight: Exploring Other Senses

Once you complete the visual portion of this mindfulness activity, you can extend the practice to other senses. For example, focus on four things you can smell, or three things you can hear, progressively slowing down as you move between each.

This exercise is not about achieving a specific outcome but about cultivating a mindful state where you feel grounded and focused, in your body and in the present. For ADHDers, sensory-sensitive folks, or anyone who feels scattered, it’s a powerful way to calm your brain and refocus your energy.

Give yourself the gift of slowing down, one gaze at a time.

The Neurodivergent Therapist and Self-Care

Tue, 10 Sep 2024 15:40:02 GMT

Navigating Burnout When You Can’t See It Coming

Self-care is a term we hear constantly, especially in helping professions like therapy. For therapists, self-care is not just a trendy buzzword; it's essential to avoiding burnout. But for neurodivergent therapists—myself included—it’s a more nuanced and challenging task.

I recently took a week off, not because I felt I needed to, but because those around me kept insisting that I did. Friends, colleagues, even family were urging me to take a break, and honestly, I couldn’t understand why. I love my work. I don’t experience that classic "I need a break" feeling, but that's part of the problem: I often struggle to notice the subtle cues my body sends me. Things like hunger, fatigue, or emotional exhaustion tend to slip under the radar. It’s not uncommon for me to realize only at the end of a long day that I haven’t eaten properly or checked in with how I’m really feeling.

This is partly due to ADHD. Between impulsivity, hyperfocus, and time blindness, I find it hard to slow down enough to recognize what my body or mind is telling me. Alexithymia—the difficulty in identifying or describing emotions—adds another layer of complexity. It's not that I don't have emotions; it's that I don’t always know what they are or how to interpret them. I become so engrossed in a task that time seems to vanish, and my needs take a back seat. By the time I notice, I'm already past the point of needing to resource.

For a neurodivergent therapist, self-care can be an elusive concept. The job itself is demanding, requiring emotional energy and mental resilience. Add ADHD into the mix, and it becomes harder to disengage from work. Hyperfocus—where I lose track of time, sometimes for hours—means I skip breaks or work longer than I intend. The drive to be "good enough" or even to overcompensate can lead to pushing myself harder than I should, especially when I don’t recognize the warning signs.

So, what’s the solution when you’re not always aware of your own needs?

Rituals. Rituals become crucial. Even when I don’t think I need a break, I need to build in routines that force me to pause and check in. Whether it’s scheduling time for lunch, setting timers to remind myself to get up and move, or creating a wind-down ritual at the end of the day, these habits provide structure. They act as external prompts to help where my internal ones sometimes fail.

Community. This is where friends, family, peers, and supervisors come in. Having a community that can gently (or not so gently) point out when you’re overworking is invaluable. They become your external feedback loop when your internal one is on the fritz. Often, it’s easier for those outside of us to notice when we’re nearing burnout. I’ve come to trust the people who care about me to help me recognize when I need a break or when I’m slipping into unhealthy work patterns.

In a world that doesn’t always make room for neurodivergent ways of working, it’s crucial to lean on these supports. Self-care, for us, isn’t always intuitive, but with rituals and community, we can build systems that work for us—even when we can’t see the need for it ourselves.

Next on the blog : Rituals and tools to sustain your energy and presence as a neurodivergent therapist

Designing a Therapeutic Office for Neurodivergent Adults

Tue, 27 Aug 2024 21:27:46 GMT

Crafting a calming and engaging therapeutic space

Designing a therapeutic space for adults with ADHD, Autism, a mix of both, and Highly Sensitive Persons (HSP) requires thoughtful consideration of sensory inputs and the overall atmosphere. As someone who has spent a year perfecting a 130 sq. ft. office, using both client feedback and personal experience as an ADHD-er and HSP, I’ve gathered insights that can help create a calming and supportive environment for all clients, particularly those who are neurodivergent. The principles I follow in my office can be universally applied, though the reverse isn’t always true.

Light: The Cornerstone of Comfort

Lighting is one of the most critical elements in a therapeutic space. Soft lighting is essential, as harsh or overly bright lights can be overstimulating. I found that the right balance is achieved through “soft white” LED bulbs, specifically GE Relax LED 60W bulbs. These bulbs emit a comforting light that isn’t too warm or cold, helping to create a soothing environment. The color temperature of the light is crucial; inconsistent lighting can be confusing and tiring, especially for someone with sensory sensitivities.

I’ve also made sure that all my lampshades are of similar color—cream or beige—to maintain consistent lighting throughout the room. While experimenting, I found that colored shades, like red or purple, can be distracting and disruptive to the atmosphere. Even a green table lamp, while visually appealing, can detract from the calming environment.

In my small office, I’ve strategically placed two small lamps, one medium lamp, and one large floor lamp, spaced about 5 to 10 feet apart. This setup ensures there are no shadowy areas while avoiding glaring light. This is particularly important when working with clients who have experienced trauma or those who require neurodiverse-affirming care.

Natural Light: A Vital Ingredient

If possible, natural light is a must. The decision to choose an office with a window was intentional, as natural light not only improves mood but also helps regulate circadian rhythms, which can be particularly beneficial for neurodivergent clients.

Furniture: Comfort and Containment

Furniture plays a significant role in creating a space that feels safe and welcoming. I’ve observed that clients prefer contained seating options—plush chairs that envelop them—rather than large, open sofas that can feel overwhelming. This sense of containment can be especially comforting for those with ADHD, who may feel more secure in a defined space.

Simplicity: A Calming Influence

Simplicity in decoration is key. While it’s important not to overwhelm the space with knick-knacks, it’s equally important to include a few tactile elements like fidget toys, which can be incredibly grounding. I opt for toys that are easy to clean and maintain, ensuring that they remain hygienic for all clients. I did add a busy looking rug, both for ease of maintenance (it is washable and the patterns hide wear and tear) and for helping my clients grounds by looking at circular patterns. The rug also warms up the space and connects the two chairs.

Sound: Silence as a Sanctuary

A quiet office is crucial for preventing sensory overload. Minimizing outside noise allows clients to focus on their thoughts and feelings without distraction. If complete silence isn’t possible, consider using a white noise machine or soft background music to mask disruptive sounds.

Additional Comforts: Weighted Blankets and Safety

Small touches, like providing a weighted blanket, a weighted jacket (see blog on picking a hoodie or jacket) a weighted plush toy , can make a significant difference in a client’s comfort level. These items can offer a sense of security and grounding, especially during moments of anxiety or stress. I also ensure that all corners of the room are visible, creating a sense of safety and openness.

Creating a therapeutic space that caters to neurodivergent individuals requires attention to detail and a deep understanding of their unique needs. By focusing on lighting, furniture, simplicity, and sound, we can design environments that support and nurture our clients, allowing them to feel safe and understood.

Our new office companion

Thu, 22 Aug 2024 14:49:07 GMT

Meet Sebastian: Renegade Counseling's Newest (and Fuzziest) Team Member

When you walk into Renegade Counseling, there's a good chance you'll be greeted by a friendly face—or rather, a friendly, weighted plush creature named Sebastian. Sebastian isn’t just any stuffy; he’s from the Bumpas family, and he's quickly become the unsung hero of our therapy sessions and our new office mascot.

I’ll admit, when I first introduced Sebastian to the office, I wasn’t sure how clients would react. But it turns out, there’s something about a soft, huggable creature that just clicks with people, especially when you're working through tough emotions.

Sebastian has these incredible weighted arms that let him hang out on the back of your chair, just waiting to be picked up. When you're ready, he’s there to offer a comforting presence, no words needed. Sometimes, all it takes is a gentle squeeze or the reassuring weight of Sebastian in your lap to make a session feel a little less heavy.

Since Sebastian joined the team, I’ve noticed clients naturally reaching for him during moments of stress or reflection. It’s as if this plush companion knows exactly when you need that extra bit of comfort—kind of like the therapy dog I always wanted, minus the fur. It’s become a bit of a tradition here at Renegade Counseling: if you're feeling overwhelmed, Sebastian is always within arm’s reach.

So, if you’re coming in for a session, don’t be surprised if Sebastian makes an appearance. He’s more than just a stuffed animal—he’s part of our commitment to making Renegade Counseling a place where you can feel safe, supported, and understood. Plus, who could resist those adorable, wide eyes and that soft, plush exterior? Definitely not me!

This is a non sponsored post but here is the website : https://mybumpas.com/?srsltid=AfmBOor-EE7Z3N9-nsG0eRerxG-v5SKYuwVJ4fSg4Tm9n-wOR-XIVMBM

The Summer Parenting Burnout

Tue, 18 Jun 2024 20:56:44 GMT

The Silent Cry of the Over-Adulting Parent

As the school year winds down and summer stretches ahead, many parents feel a mix of excitement and trepidation. While summer promises family vacations, long days at the pool, and a break from the rigid school schedule, it also brings a host of challenges that can lead to parental burnout. For working parents, balancing jobs, childcare, and the demands of an over-scheduled lifestyle becomes a tightrope walk, exacerbated by the guilt of needing personal time—especially for neurodivergent parents who may find the summer hustle particularly overwhelming.

The Summer Juggle: Work, Kids, and Costly Childcare

Ah, summer—the season of sun, fun, and your bank account crying softly in the corner. Working parents face the Herculean task of finding reliable and affordable childcare. Summer camps and daycare programs, while lifesavers, often come with a price tag that makes you wonder if they're secretly training future astronauts. The financial pressure adds to the stress of maintaining work productivity while ensuring your children are entertained and safe. You might even consider putting your kid in charge for a week—how hard could it be, right?

Overstimulation and the Neurodivergent Parent

For neurodivergent parents, summer is like running a never-ending marathon while juggling flaming swords. The constant activity and noise can be overwhelming, turning every day into a sensory obstacle course. Overstimulation from managing energetic children, coordinating activities, and keeping the house from looking like a post-apocalyptic wasteland can lead to sensory overload. The relentless demands leave little room for self-care, and asking for a moment of peace can feel completely out of reach.

The guilt of needing time alone adds another layer of complication. Parents may feel they're failing their children or not living up to societal expectations if they need personal space. For neurodivergent parents, who might already feel out of sync with conventional parenting norms, this guilt can be especially intense. The pressure to be the perfect parent can be as suffocating as a summer heatwave in a polyester suit.

The American Dream and the Myth of Perfection

In contemporary society, the American Dream has somehow turned into a never-ending to-do list where success is measured by how many extracurriculars your child is enrolled in. Parents are expected to provide enriching experiences for their kids—think sports, music lessons, playdates, and educational camps. The relentless pursuit of this dream can lead to chronic underperformance, as parents stretch themselves thin and their patience runs out.

This constant chase leaves little room for genuine connection and relaxation, both of which are essential for a healthy family dynamic. Over-scheduling can result in a disjointed family life, where moments of joy and togetherness are overshadowed by the rush from one activity to the next. In trying to offer their children every possible opportunity, parents may inadvertently sacrifice their own well-being and that of their family.

Finding Balance and Embracing Imperfection

To combat summer burnout, parents need to embrace the radical idea that perfection is not only unattainable but also a bit overrated. Setting realistic expectations and prioritizing self-care are crucial steps toward maintaining mental and emotional health. Simplifying schedules, delegating tasks, and allowing for unstructured family (and alone) time can help reduce stress. It’s important for parents to communicate openly with their children about the need for personal space and model healthy boundaries— and not only by hiding in the bathroom, hoping your kids forgot about you.

Creating a support network of friends, family, and community resources can also alleviate some of the pressures. Sharing childcare responsibilities, carpooling for activities, and leaning on others for support can make the summer months more manageable. Plus, it gives you more opportunities to commiserate over how everyone’s kids are little tornadoes of chaos.

Ultimately, the key to surviving and thriving during summer is finding a balance that works for each family. Letting go of the myth of the perfect parent and the perfect summer allows for a more relaxed, enjoyable, and authentic family experience. Embracing imperfection and prioritizing well-being can lead to a more fulfilling summer for both parents and children. After all, the best memories are often made in the messiest moments.

Exploring Neurodiversity in Therapy: Insights from Therapists

Mon, 22 Apr 2024 16:48:25 GMT

Insights from therapists on the counseling relationship with Neurodivergent Clients

In my ongoing exploration of therapy that embraces neurodiversity, I had the privilege of speaking with three therapists who specialize in working with neurodivergent clients. Their perspectives shed light on how therapy can be more effective and supportive for individuals whose minds diverge from the norm. Our conversation revolved around the counseling relationship, the setting and interventions . This blog is focusing on the first part : the relationship. The counselors impressed the importance of having a neurodiverse affirming mindset, while meeting the client with openmindeness. The major difference with counseling for neurotypical people is the added layer of internalized ableism, a sense the client experiences of being "less than" due to a departure from what society expects. A big part of the relationship is built on the therapist

Be Curious : Being neurodivergent or highly trained doesn’t mean that we know what is going on for a person. Oftentimes clients are trying to understand themselves through a diagnosis or a self diagnosis. The important part is not the word (ADHD, AuDHD for example) but the lived experience of the client. It is crucial for the therapist to let go of any judgement and focus instead on the process of discovery.
Address Internalized Ableism : Neurodivergent individuals often internalize negative beliefs about themselves due to societal norms and expectations. These therapists highlighted the need for creating a safe space where clients feel empowered to challenge and dismantle these harmful beliefs, promoting self-acceptance and compassion.
Avoid Assumptions : One of the dangers in therapy is assuming that everyone experiences emotions and processes information in the same way. Therapists should recognize and validate the diverse emotional experiences of neurodivergent individuals, steering clear of neuronormative assumptions, and truly meeting the clients where they are. For example some clients may use colors or metaphors for feelings that they are not quite able to identify. The therapist in turn may use the client's language to even the relationship.
Embrace Accountability : Mistakes and miscommunication can happen in counseling, and therapists often times need to repair with clients. When it comes to neurodivergent clients, these therapists emphasized the importance of owning up to errors and misunderstandings. The therapists needs to slow down and take time to check in with the client, giving the client time to process any break in the relationship, and giving the therapeutic relationship an opportunity for confrontation and repair. By fostering a culture of accountability, therapists can build trust and authenticity within the therapeutic relationship.
Validate and Explore Traumatic experiences : Many neurodivergent individuals have endured traumatic experiences as a result of their differences, such as bullying or social exclusion. Therapists should acknowledge and validate these experiences, providing a supportive space for processing and healing.
Celebrate Differences : Instead of pathologizing quirks and idiosyncrasies, therapists should normalize them as part of what makes each individual unique. By celebrating diversity, therapists can foster a sense of belonging and acceptance in their clients.
Encourage Authenticity by Modeling Authentic Behaviors (for neurodivergent therapists): Many neurodivergent individuals engage in masking behaviors to fit in with neurotypical expectations. Therapists can help clients navigate this delicate balance, encouraging them to embrace their true selves and express themselves authentically. This behavior can start in the therapy room where the therapist can notice masking in themselves and mention it to the client. The therapist may also use items in session that helps them focus or stay engaged such as fidget toys, doodling etc, encouraging the client to find comfort and authenticity in the room.

In conclusion, these insights from neurodivergent therapists highlight the importance of adopting a nuanced and affirming approach to therapy. By embracing curiosity, challenging assumptions, and fostering authenticity, therapists can create a supportive environment where neurodivergent individuals feel seen, heard, and valued. As the field of neurodiversity-affirming therapy continues to evolve, these principles will serve as guiding beacons, leading toward greater understanding and inclusivity in mental health care.

For more information on how to build a safe and trusting relationship with your neurodivergent clients, please reach out to annabelle@renegadecounseling.com

The 3 therapists interviewed for this blog are

Elena Schmeising MA, LPCC

Elena is a queer, sex-positive therapist specializing in working with LGBTQIA+ and non-monogamous clients.

They see clients in person in Denver and remotely

For more info checkout https://www.arcanacounseling.co/ and email Elena at elena@arcanacounseling.com

Felicia Libo, LPC

Felicia is a neurodivergent writer, counselor and coach. She works with clients seeking support and clarity for neurodivergence, life transitions, health, relationships, work, and navigating life in general.
For more info checkout https://www. felicialibo.com or email Felicia at Felicialibo@gmail.com

Zoë Hays, MS, GmBPss

Zoë has background in Integrative and Functional Nutrition, Classical Five Element Acupuncture, and in Psychotherapy/Psychology

They work with neurospicy/neurosparkly people, queer people, chronically ill people.

For more info checkout https://www.mountainmeadowllc.me/ or email Zoe at mountainmeadowwellnessllc@gmail.com

See part one of the blog to learn more about neurodiversity and the challenges of a neurodiverse affirming therapy.

Navigating Neurodiversity: Bridging Gaps in Therapy and Advocacy

Tue, 02 Apr 2024 23:34:51 GMT

Neurodiversity Attuned Therapy needs to happen now

For far too long, neurodivergence has been misunderstood and overlooked, particularly in adults and children who tend to sit quietly in the background, flying under the radar while working hard to fit in. As research has progressed, it has become evident that neurodivergence exists on a broad spectrum, often accompanied by co-occurring issues like trauma, anxiety, and depression.

What is NeuroDivergence?

Neurodivergence is the term for when someone's brain processes, learns, and/or behaves differently from what is considered "typical." (See the Very Well Mind website for a more complete understanding). Many diagnosis fall under the umbrella of Neurodivergence, such as ADHD, Autism, AudHD, Dyslexia, Tourette, OCD, etc, (see image above the text, a non exhaustive view of Neurodiversity by Dr Nancy Doyle). Many neurodiverse individuals experience two or more types, while others have yet to find a diagnosis that fit them.

When adults seek therapy, it's often due to a struggle to fit in, an experience of depression or anxiety, or a feeling of overwhelm toward what is expected of them. Clients sometimes mention that they were treated for ADHD as children, and that somehow as adults they were expected to fall into the "normal" range of thinking, feeling and functioning. Traditional adult therapy seeks to treat symptoms without fully adapting interventions to encompass the diversity within neurotypes.

Unfortunately, graduate and postgraduate trainings often lacks in those adaptations, leaving many behind both in terms of neurodiverse therapists and clients. This is a cycle of lack or training, lack of adaptability within trainings, and an ignorance around neurodiverse clients that keep many of them from continuing therapy, thinking that there is something drastically "wrong" with them that a therapist can't "get" them.

The recent diagnosis with my own neurodiversity spurred me to delve deeper into the concept of neuro-affirming psychotherapy. I embarked on a journey, interviewing three neurodivergent therapists in Colorado to understand how they approach therapy differently from the neurotypical model. Through this series of blogs, I aim to share my findings, recognizing that while subjective, they contribute to an emerging movement of neurodiversity-affirming approaches within counseling.

In the upcoming blog posts, I'll explore various aspects of neurodiversity-affirming psychotherapy:

1. Therapeutic Relationship and Format: Delving into the differences between neurotypical and neurodivergent styles of therapy, highlighting the importance of tailoring therapeutic approaches to individual neurotypes.
2. Neurodivergence from a Nervous System Perspective: Examining how understanding neurodivergence through the lens of the nervous system can lead to a more trauma-informed approach to therapy, recognizing the interconnectedness of neurodiversity and trauma.
3. Insights from Neurodivergent Therapists: Sharing pearls of wisdom gathered from interviews, encouraging therapists to learn from neurodivergent perspectives and empowering clients to navigate the therapeutic landscape more effectively.

Ultimately, advocacy for neurodiversity begins with education. By bridging the gap between providers and clients through understanding and guidance, we can dispel misconceptions, strengthen therapeutic relationships, and ensure more congruent and effective treatment for all individuals, regardless of neurotype. Join me on this journey of exploration and advocacy as we strive for a more inclusive and affirming approach to psychotherapy.

Nurturing Your ADHD Overwhelm: A Kind Approach

Tue, 02 Apr 2024 22:49:38 GMT

A somatic and solution based approach to your overwhelm paralysis

Hey there! Welcome to a space where we're diving into a common struggle – overwhelm paralysis. It's that feeling of being swamped with too much stuff, especially if you're dealing with ADHD. We get it – taking action or making decisions can feel like a huge task.

When overwhelm hits, it's like hitting pause. You might feel stuck, finding it tough to tackle tasks or decide what to do. It's not just in your head; it can almost feel like a physical inability to move.

Let's Get to Know Your Nervous System

Time to explore the mystery behind the scenes – your nervous system. ADHD overwhelm can trigger a fight/flight or freeze response, especially when faced with new situations. The fears might range from forgetting important appointments to the fear of not being good enough.

Here are several interventions to help your nervous system get back to a calm place.

Movement : when feeling stuck, walk away from the decision making and go for a walk, or stretch, or turn on your favorite tune. Gentle movement has shown to help the body get out of its fight/flight/freeze state
Weighted blanket or jacket. An evenly distributed weight around you may help you settle and feel more grounded. Please check my blog entry on weighted jackets
Hot cold drinks. When feeling paralysed, try drinking either something warm or cold. Just holding the cup or glass may help you become more present and allowing you to slow down your thinking.
Co regulation. Sometimes all we need connecting with a loved one, a kid, or even a pet – their calming presence can work wonders.

Once your nervous system feels a bit more settled, we can look for ways to help get past the paralysis.

Facing the Block: List Your Fears: Write down what scares you about the task. Acknowledge those fears, and you'll take away their power.

Body Doubling: Get a partner in crime, someone familiar with the task or just willing to stay on the phone. Having someone by your side can be a game-changer.

Set a Timer: A bit of pressure can be a good thing. Set a timer to create a sense of urgency without the overwhelming dread.

Music : studies have shown that music helps neurodivergent brains stay on track. Choose a music that does not distract you but keeps you focused.

Distraction Elimination: Create a bubble of focus. Silence notifications, close unnecessary tabs, and let the outside world disappear for a bit.

Sharing Tips and Tricks!

Found other techniques that work wonders for you? Drop your wisdom in the comments below and let's build a community of support. Remember, it's okay to struggle, but it's even better to share the strategies that help us navigate the maze of ADHD overwhelm. We're in this together! �� #ADHDWarriors #NurturingParalysis #CommunitySupport #spicybrain #nurtureyourADHD

Embracing the Winter Within: A Letter of Understanding and Compassion

Tue, 19 Mar 2024 15:47:56 GMT

Dear Beloved Soul,

As we navigate through the depths of March, it often feels like winter has decided to overstay its welcome. The relentless cold fronts, the persistent rain or snow, and those dreary grey days seem to mirror the weight we carry in our hearts. It's as though winter's grasp extends beyond the weather, wrapping around our anxieties about life and the state of the world, creating a heavy fog that obscures any sense of joy or pleasure.

In these moments, when it feels like we're trudging through an endless expanse of grey, dotted with bursts of intense sadness or anger, it's crucial to remember one thing: you are not alone. There are countless others who tread similar paths, navigating through landscapes marred by burned trees and fiery pits. And then there are those who feel guilty for being overwhelmed by emotions that surface without reason, as if trapped in a bewildering reality they can't grasp.

I want you to know that I understand. I've sat with individuals who struggle with the weight of their own minds, and I've returned home at times feeling the weight of my own thoughts pressing down on me. Decades of living with my own neurospicy brain have taught me that my life can be a rollercoaster of emotions – moments of overwhelming exhaustion and overreactions juxtaposed with bursts of creativity and joy. But amidst it all, I've learned that even in the darkest tunnels, there's always a glimmer of light waiting to illuminate my path once more.

So, my dear friend, please know that you are not alone. Sometimes, our suffering cannot be fixed; it can only be held and witnessed with love. It's through our struggles that we gain a deeper understanding of what it means to be human – it humbles us, fostering compassion for the pain of others. And in our moments of despair, we find connection, reaching out to those who remind us of the beauty that awaits on the other side of the tunnel – even when it feels like we're shouting into an empty void.

If you find yourself lost in the tunnel, surrounded by a seemingly endless darkness, remember this: you are not alone. I urge you to keep moving forward, one step at a time. Nourish your body, move, connect with others. Be kind, be patient, be loving – both to yourself and to those around you. Hold onto hope, even when it feels like a distant dream, until it seeps into your soul and fills you with warmth. Remember that you are precious to the world, you are precious to me, you are here for a reason that you may have yet to discover.

I can't promise you a quick fix, but I can promise you this: you are not alone, and just as every winter eventually comes to an end, so too will this season of darkness. Keep faith, dear one, for brighter days are on the horizon.

With love and solidarity,

Annabelle

This information does not replace professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. If you have questions about a medical condition, always seek the advice of a doctor or other qualified health professional.

If you need immediate support, please reach out to the national 988 crisis line or the Colorado Crisis Line at 1-844-493-8255, or text “TALK” to 38255

Unlocking the Superpower of Deep Focus

Mon, 26 Feb 2024 22:33:01 GMT

Tools to Keep You in the Zone

As I type away, fueled by two sips of now-cold tea, I've accomplished a whopping 75% website revamp (it's a glow-up, trust me) – all thanks to deep focus mode. ��

Deep focus, a superpower common among many neurodivergent individuals, is the art of zeroing in on a task to the point where the entire universe fades away – whether you're cracking a puzzle or on a mission to find the perfect lamp.

Now, why is deep focus such a superpower, you ask? It's because of the sheer amount of information processed or shared on a single topic. It's what gets software written, buildings designed, and roads engineered. Yet, let's not ignore the real struggle – reintegrating into the world of human needs after hours of intense focus.

Here are some tools to help you navigate the deep-focus journey:

Preparation is Key:
Equip yourself with essentials – water, snacks, and anything that aids your body in sustaining mental effort. Think of it as gearing up for a mental marathon.
Gentle Interruptions:
Enlist someone to gently but relentlessly interrupt you. It's your lifeline to remember appointments or deadlines, ensuring you don't inadvertently become a hermit in your focus cave.
Watch for Obsession:
Deep focus can sometimes tiptoe into obsession territory. When you catch yourself there, stand up, peek out the door, or grab that much-needed coffee. A little reality break won't hurt.
Post-Focus Transition:
After your deep focus stint, ease back into the real world. Move around, marvel at your accomplishments, send a mental high-five to your abilities, and find something neutral to focus on (like finally finishing that cold cup of tea).

Remember, deep focusing is a gift, but like all gifts, it needs nurturing. So, nurture away and keep that superpower shining bright!

Happy Focusing!

The Best Weighted Hoodies on the Market

Thu, 22 Feb 2024 21:36:22 GMT

The search of calm and serenity on the go

This blog is for teens and adults dealing with sensory sensitivities, diagnosed or undiagnosed ADHD, ASD, HSP, individuals with anxiety, and anyone intrigued by weighted hoodies. Please scroll down for the list of hoodies/ vests available in the US.

Numerous studies underscore the positive effects of even weight distribution on adults dealing with neurodivergence, anxiety, or complex trauma. This practice has been shown to elevate serotonin levels, fostering a sense of relaxation, grounding, and improved focus. In recent months, I have been contemplating the nature of incorporating wearable weighted technology to provide consistent support for individuals in motion.

Despite earnest efforts, my attempts at devising practical solutions have, regrettably, resulted in epic failures

Wearing a weighted blanket as a cape. This turned out to be the fashion equivalent of dragging around a small elephant – not exactly practical for strolling around the block.
Tried weighted plushies, beanies, and yoga props – effective, sure, but they've got a mind of their own, constantly slipping and sliding like they've got a hot date with gravity.
The pleasant sensation of someone's hands on my shoulders? Fantastic. Logistically feasible? Not so much. Plus, I'm not exactly the president of the fan club for excessive physical touch.

A few weeks ago, I stumbled upon ads for a "weighted hoodie" and thought, "Could this be the solution to my perpetual restlessness?" I dove into exploring the world of weighted clothing in the US, but being the classic ADHDer, I got sidetracked looking for a shelf, juggling multiple training sessions, trying to save the world, trying to grow my hair faster, and daydreaming about a house by the sea.

Despite my own distractibility, I carved out a dedicated 45 minutes for focused exploration. The results, not entirely satisfying, are now up for testing. Here are the results of my search, from the heaviest to the lightest hoodie/jacket/ vest.

The TheraHoodie

A snug and stylish zipper hoodie perfect for home or on-the-go comfort.

Price: $158
Weight: 10 pounds
Pros:
Beautiful and cozy design.
Machine washable for convenience.
10-pound weight for a substantial feel.
Multiple lovely color choices.
Cons:
Limited material options (fleece or "minky").
Fixed weight regardless of size, which may not suit smaller sizes.

Available at TheraBrand

The Weighted Hoodie

Dubbed as the most uninspiring hoodie you'll come across, but hey, maybe it gets the job done?

Price: $190
Weight: 5 pounds

Pros:

A lighter weight option, possibly suitable for those in smaller bodies.

Cons:

Monotonous design with only one color and one material – talk about lackluster.
Comes with a slightly heavier price tag compared to Thera, making it a questionable investment in the world of weighted fashion.

Available at Autism Products

Vest, Short Sleeve Jacket, and Jacket Options (no hoodie)

For those who like their jackets as fancy as their lifestyle.

Price: $225 -245
Weight: 4.5-7.5 pounds

Pros:

Weight varies based on size, accommodating different preferences.
Stylish, outdoorsy design with a hint of waterproof charm.
Some vests feature a sweatband in the armpit area – potentially solving those with * cough* sweating issues.

Cons:

Pricier compared to other options on the market.
Not exactly your go-to for cozy indoor lounging – these are more suited for those aiming to make a statement outdoors.

Check them out at Pyvot Life .

Comfie and fashion forward hoodie

For those who want to look effortlessly cool without breaking the bank

Price: $70 - $120
Weight: who knows?

Pros:

Most budget-friendly option.
A plethora of color choices to suit individual tastes.
Garnering excellent reviews, indicating a sweet spot between weighted and non-weighted clothing.

Cons:

Lack of specific data on the actual weight
The fabric is weighted but breathable; however, it remains uncertain if the weight is substantial enough to make a noticeable difference. A try-before-you-know situation.

Explore more at Comfrt .

I hope you find something here that fits your need for weight. I would love to know your opinion on this!

Note: Information is accurate as of the provided date and may be subject to change. Visit the provided link for the latest details

The content of this blog is based on my personal and clinical experience. It is not a diagnostic tool. If you suspect you might have ADHD, please seek assessment by a qualified professional.

Fall guided meditation

Tue, 10 Oct 2023 20:55:14 GMT

A Fall Guided Meditation

As you get ready for this guided meditation, find a comfortable space, and put your phone on do not disturb.

Spend a few minutes writing down your to do lists, and thoughts, and anything else you need to write down now so that you don’t forget.

Stand, sit or lay down.

Now close your eyes or watch this video

https://youtu.be/MP8wMbEAGGU?feature=shared

Breathe in, out

Imagine standing in front of a tree. Feel the ground covered with leaves. Feel the bark of the tree. Feel the softness of the remaining leaves.

Smell the crisp autumn air, the leaves decaying, the smoke from wood fire.

Now, breath in, out

It is time to let go

Let go of what happened over the summer

Let go of the bad times, times of stress, times of not doing enough, not being enough

Let those memories rest where they may. Say a gentle goodbye to them

Breathe in, out.

Let go of the good times, times of celebration, times of connections, being more than enough

Let those memories rest where they may. Say a gentle goodbye to them

Breathe in, out.

As you breathe, notice any leftover thoughts, and visualize them moving down, down to the ground, through the soles of your feet.

As you keep breathing, notice any emotions, and watch them moving down, down to the ground, through the soles of your feet.

As you slow down your breathing even more, notice any body sensations, and let them move down, down to the ground, through the soles of your feet.

Now feel your entire body. Notice any subtle movement that wants to happen, such as rocking, swaying, or just relaxing. Let it happen.

Breath in, out.

Stay for as long as you like. Listen to the sounds outside your body, and to the sensations inside your body.

When you are ready, reconnect with the outside by opening your eyes, yawning, stretching.

The body content of your post goes here. To edit this text, click on it and delete this default text and start typing your own or paste your own from a different source.

The ADHD cycle

Mon, 24 Jul 2023 17:14:46 GMT

Riding the rollercoaster of overcommitting and burnout

The cycle of overcommitting and burnout is a common pattern that can affect individuals with or without ADHD, and it may feel a little more intense with ADHD because of increased reactivity, hyper-focusing and the dopamine chase that are typical in individuals with ADHD.

The cycle is divided in phases each lasting from a few days to a few weeks. In my practice I have noticed that my clients mostly find themselves starting a new cycle in the spring, and trying to push through in the summer.

1. Overcommitting. This is the start of the cycle and it feels absolutely wonderful. The person feels excited about new projects, or has a brand new idea and starts imagining what could be. For example, starting a new hobby (soap making) and deciding to create a logo (soapy monkey), start a website (www.soapymonkey.com), find sponsors, change the world (buy one bar of soap, send one to a country who doesn't have soap?), all the WHILE learning to make basic soap and feverishly buying supplies on Amazon at 11pm on a Friday night, while driving home from a concert. I just made the names up, so feel free to steal them. Everything feels fresh, full of new beginnings and flowing with creativity. I have noticed that people with ADHD can be very creative and a force to be reckoned with when working on something they believe it. They can also be very persuasive for a short time, while the creativity and novelty moves through them.

2. Increased Stress: As the project settles, reality hits and the person is now having to work with new demands (making soap), added on to the demands of daily life (job, family). The person with ADHD may start loosing some of their momentum and question the sanity of their new project, especially after going to Whole Foods and noticing 500 brands of craft soap.

3. Pushing Through: Despite feeling overwhelmed, individuals might try to push through and continue working on all their commitments, hoping they can handle it all. There is also history there, as the cycle happened before but the person wants to prove once and for all that this is it, the dream project that was waiting to happen.

4. Decreased Energy and Motivation: Committing to a new (or several) projects, ideas and organizations takes emotional and physical energy that the person with ADHD may not be able to sustain. The rush of the novelty is gone, creativity is replaced by daily grind.

5. Burnout: Eventually, the cumulative stress and exhaustion can lead to burnout. Burnout is a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion. The person may also feel like a failure, noticing how they can't follow things through and succeed.

6. Rest and Recovery: After experiencing burnout, individuals may need to take a step back, rest, and engage in self-care activities to recover and replenish their energy and motivation.

Breaking the cycle involves recognizing the signs of overcommitment and taking steps to manage one's workload, set realistic boundaries, and prioritize self-care. It's crucial to find a balance between commitments and personal well-being to prevent burnout and maintain overall mental and physical health. For individuals with ADHD, time management strategies, seeking support from friends, family, or professionals, and practicing stress-reducing techniques can be helpful in managing the cycle of overcommitting and burnout.

The content of this blog is based on my personal and clinical experience. It is not a diagnostic tool. If you suspect you might have ADHD, please seek assessment by a qualified professional. For more information about who i am, check out the about me page. For more info about what I do, check out the services page. And contact me here

What's in a Name?

Wed, 19 Jul 2023 21:02:50 GMT

Being a parent of a Gender Exploring Child

A name is a gift from a parent to a child. It speaks of history, culture, and belonging, and it is the first tangible connection of a parent to their child. Some parents go through religious ceremonies to sacralize the name. The child belongs to the family, the name belongs to the family as well. Beside some exceptions, names are gendered and reinforce the social expectation of behaviors linked to genders assigned at birth. This tradition, set through generations, wasn’t questioned until recently.

As a parent, counselor, and member of our local community, I have observed a quiet cultural revolution in the way that our children explore their identity. Where 30 years ago, kids would not change their name/pronouns, or very few did, it seems that many children today are setting on a journey of identity exploration by changing their names and pronouns, exploring in ways that families are not prepared for. There is a critical difference between past cultural trends of nicknames where both names could coexist, and today’s rejection of one’s birth name as a “dead name.” It also seems that often with a name change, the child also adopts new pronouns to facilitate their gender exploration.

From the parent’s point of view

The parents’ experience of their child coming out does not have a lot of research or space for conversation. Most websites and blogs I have perused talk about the experience of the child and the necessity for parents to be supportive. The content of those sites is important, but so is the parents’ experience and what it means for them to go through this process with their children. I cannot speak for all parents and all experiences, I can only speak from the lens of my own experience, and what has been shared with me by clients.

When a child comes out to their parents, by sharing their need for a different name, using different pronouns, and changing their gender, parents go through stages of grief, pain, loss, and rejection that is normal and to be expected.

Dos and Don’ts

If you are a parent going through this process, here are some dos and don’ts of taking care of yourself during this transitional phase or your relationship with your child

Don’t take it personally. Think of it as your child’s journey and not a rejection of you.
Don’t take it out on your child. Your child is not trying to hurt you. You are going through a process just as they are. When you feel angry, walk away. When you feel hurt, seek comfort with a partner or a friend.
Do tell them that you love them, and what you love about them, including parts of their new identity.
Do tell them that you will make mistakes, But that you will alway work on doing better.
Do ask your child for help on how to represent them to the outside world. When in doubt about how to address them in front of neighbors, friends, and family members, ask them, and then work out any fear.
Process your feelings away from your child. Seek therapy and/or a support group. Talk to other parents who are going through it. What you are feeling is normal, and needs to be shared with others who can help. Your child cannot and should not do that for you.

A paradigm shift

How can we, as parents, move forward with our children as they become? How can we shed an idea or belief that we have about them and stay open hearted to their experience?

We need to change our framework from clinging on to norms to opening ourselves to freedom. This freedom has been earned by our ancestors and it is now our turn to give it to our children.

Our children can receive the freedom to:

Be and to become.

Stumble, explore, and change their minds.

Love themselves, unconditionally, as we love them

This gift of freedom comes at a cost – we have to overcome our own fear and shame of judgment, our old patterns of seeing the world as it was. We have to change. And when we do, we set ourselves free.

I have complex childhood trauma, now what?

Wed, 19 Jul 2023 21:00:35 GMT

7 tools to help you on your journey to healing from Complex Trauma.

Your journey to the realization that you have complex childhood trauma

You have been to multiple therapists, working through your anxiety and depression. You still struggle with functioning at work, in your relationships, and in accepting and loving yourself. You feel somehow broken, flawed, or unlovable.

And then one day, some memories start emerging, from times in your childhood when you felt less than, emotionally bullied or threatened within inches of your life. Or maybe you remember a family member, educator or friend of the family who did things to you that you have blocked out for many years. Those events happened over time, and because they did, you don’t have a sense of what is normal or not, what feels safe, what feels nurturing or threatening.

Traumatic events versus post traumatic stress

Traumatic events are experiences that happened to you as a child that were unsafe, violent, abusive or neglectful. You had little to no control over those situations, you could not change them or get out of them.

Complex post traumatic stress is the consequence of those experiences and influences your thoughts, feelings, emotions and behavior on a daily basis. It is complex because it can be difficult to know what was traumatic or not and how to live with it

In relational trauma with others, we turn to others of healing

When you connect the events of your past with the ways that you relate to yourself and to the world, it feels overwhelming, and you think that maybe “this is just the way I am”.

Some may tell you that you have a personality disorder, you may notice parts of yourself feeling numb, or you may feel that you don’t really have a personality. You may experience that your sense of self is divided, or even nonexistent.

You do not quite know how to “be” in this world, so you turn to others to seek validation. In the best case scenario those “others” are supportive and healing, in other cases, you fall back into a traumatic relationship where violence and gaslighting are common currency, but feel familiar. The cycle continues.

In order to start healing from your traumatic experience, I offer you a change of perspective. I invite you to put on your explorer hat and start digging into who you are, how you function and how you can be in charge of your own journey to living a life to your full potential. I am offering you 7 tools to get you started.

7 tools to help you on your journey to healing from Complex Trauma.

Start learning YOU. The landscape of your post traumatic experience is wide, nuanced and uniquely yours. Start paying attention to changes in your behavior. Do you feel like hiding or running away? Are you frozen in place? Why?

Take note of how you feel around others. Notice how you feel : check your heart rate, areas of your body that may feel numb or other areas that may feel tight or raw. Notice when you feel relaxed in comparison to when you don’t. This work of noticing is done moment by moment, daily. You may start seeing a pattern. Write it down in a daily journal

Feel the grief. In trauma, there is loss : Loss of the life you could have had, the person you could have been, the family that could have been there for you. Your grief is as endless and complex as your trauma. Let yourself explore it.
Move slow in your exploration. What took 20+ years to build cannot take a few weeks to heal. Take your time and rest. Take breaks from it, watch funny movies, laugh with friends. Moving between deep exploration of your nervous system and surface level activities will help you integrate what you learn about yourself.
Find kindness toward yourself. When you start judging yourself for some of the ways you react, look at your child self from your adult eyes and say “you are scared aren’t you? That’s ok, I understand. We went through a lot”. While taking responsibility for your actions towards others, make sure you notice the scared child in you and acknowledge them.
Surround yourself with people who can listen to you and support you. People who are kind to you. People you can have fun with. People who inspire you. Whether real or imaginary, those people will help you build your strength.
Seek a trauma therapist to work with you through your darkest moments, past and present, and who can help you develop resources to help you throughout the day.
Most importantly : sleep, eat well, drink water, move, and get sunlight. You can’t do any work if you are exhausted, depleted, hangry or dehydrated.

The window of tolerance

Wed, 19 Jul 2023 20:56:04 GMT

How knowing your window of tolerance can help you

Being in the window

Imagine yourself walking outside. You notice the fresh snow on the ground, the wind blowing in your hair. Maybe you feel a little cold while enjoying the sunshine. You feel pleasure in walking outside, a sense of well-being that shows, perhaps as a light tingle in your jaw, a feeling of expansion in your chest, a small smile on your face.

You are in your window of tolerance: a space of well-being and connection. A space where you can communicate with other, you notice things about yourself, you can think, feel, connect.

Even if things feel imperfect, even if your life is not going exactly how you wants it to go, you feel good.

And then….

And then something happens. It could be that you slip on ice and fall in the mud, ruining your outfit for the day, bruising you, making you late for your next appointment.

The activating event can last a second, or a few hours, weeks, or even months for some people. You could lose your job, suffer a loss or a breakup, survive a traumatic event, or going through on-going trauma.

You are feeling more and more activated. The more the disruptions happen, the more upset you become. Perhaps you feel angry, impatient, anxious, maybe you feel some physical pain, or numbness. When you feel more and more of the activation, your window of tolerance shrinks.

There is a point in which you leave your window of tolerance and feel the emotions overwhelming you. You enter a space of dysregulation. It is difficult to think and feel at the same time: you think less and feel more.

What does that mean?

It means that even when small inconveniences happen, some that “normally” would not bother you, you find yourself angry, disconnected, numb…. in a way that is disproportionate to the event. It could also mean that you don’t know why you feel angry, disconnected, or numb. When your window of tolerance is narrow, you could feel that way every day, not knowing why.

The size changes

The size of your window can shrink or expand, depending on you circumstances and coping mechanisms. The window shrinks with trauma, repeated triggers, repeated stress, a loss of control etc.

The size of your window can expand when you find connection with other, find meaning in your life, develop coping mechanisms that work for you, work with your therapist, experience joy.

What to do to expand your window of tolerance, step by step

1. Notice/ map what your activating events are, and what happens in your body/mind when you feel activated. You can do that by keeping a journal, send texts to yourself, or just do a quick check in throughout the day by asking the following questions:

“What is going on around me?”

“What do I currently feel?”

“Are the events and my emotions connected? How?”

“What is happening in my body?”

“What’s my story around it?”

2. Scale your level of activation and corresponding event (if you can): 1 for low activation, 10 for fight/flight/freeze. The number is different for each of us and for each event!

3. Start listing what helps you feel good: reading, music, dancing, talking to friends.

Start listing what distraction can temporarily alleviate your pain: social media. Drinking, smoking

Start listing what can increase your dysregulation (arguing, people pleasing)

4. Talk to your therapist about strategies in increasing regulating behaviors, decreasing dysregulating behaviors, and processing the stories you create around the events.

When you understand what creates activation, how those activations show up and what you can co do decrease them, you will start increasing your window of tolerance.

ADHD and conversations

Wed, 19 Jul 2023 20:19:20 GMT

Convos - interrupted

Adults who have recently been diagnosed with/ or suspect that they may have ADHD experience a wide array of symptoms, from difficulties honoring deadlines, staying organized, following through on a project or finding motivation. A part of ADHD that is not often mentioned is the difficulties individuals might have with conversations, be it in a group or with one person.

ADHD in social situations

In the case of ADHD, the person is usually well aware of what is happening around them. They understand the social cues, and they can read body language well. However the struggle becomes apparent when a conversation takes place, between two or more. If you imagine a conversation being a bit like a tennis match, where, overall, equivalent amount of time is shared between the two (or more) partners, with adequate pauses and silently agreed upon reactions, the person with ADHD will be the person running to the net….or to the opponent's side of the court. The person with ADHD will be interrupting the flow of the conversation with ill timed thoughts (in the middle of someone else’s sentence) or with silences, as they lose track of the flow and get lost in their own mind. Some may side track to a completely different topic. Some may converse on several tracks, interweaving themes and getting lost in between.

The interruptions are common for people with ADHD, and there are several reasons for it

Dopamine production . People with ADHD historically produce less Dopamine than the norm, leading them to seek more. Dopamine is the “pleasure hormone” of the brain. If the person with ADHD is less interested in the topic, having a less pleasurable experience, their brain will start looking for other ways to entertain itself and produce more dopamine. The person might interrupt the conversation to reroute it to a more entertaining space.
Working memory . People with ADHD tend to have poor working memory, the memory that is used daily to remember where, for example, one placed their keys, or what needs to be done next, or being able to place a thought in a temporary hold to get back to it later. In this case, the person with ADHD will have a thought in the middle of conversation that they know might disappear if they don’t tend to it. The fear of losing the thought will cause them to express it, causing disruption.
Impulsivity . People with ADHD tend to have poor impulse control, immediately reacting to a perceived want or need. This is due to low dopamine production and to having poor working memory. That impulsivity, when not managed, will show up in terms of interruption of the flow of conversation with new thoughts, checking one’s phone, googling data in the middle of a sentence, etc.

The shame of ADHD and interruptions

I have often heard clients recount their experiences in groups, feeling that they took too much space or that they were perceived as rude for interrupting. Those clients feel guilt and sometimes shame for their behavior, believing that there is something wrong with them, and feeling that they are “bad”, “selfish”, or “antisocial”. This awareness of how they showed up, and not being able to do anything about it, causes them to feel a great amount of pain.

What to do about it

If you believe that you have ADHD, or if you have been diagnosed with ADHD, here are several tools to help you manage interruptions :

Warn your conversation partner. ADHD is not an excuse, it is an explanation. Warning your partner that you may interrupt, and letting them know that it’s ok to be called out, can help you develop a moment to moment awareness and give you a chance to adjust their behavior.
Have a note book with you (or a phone with a note taking app). If an important thought comes up, you can warn your partner that you need to pause for a second to write something down. That way you do not disrupt the flow with irrelevant information
Remove distractions : put your phone on “do not disturb”
Start noticing when you interrupt and stop talking. As soon as you notice, stop yourself and quickly apologize with a couple of words. When you do that, you train your brain to be more mindful and to go back to the conversation.
Understand that it takes time, patience and a lot of mishaps. When you go home, start thinking about what others shared, instead of what you did or didn’t do right. You will always have an opportunity to try again.

Meditating with ADHD

Wed, 19 Jul 2023 18:27:18 GMT

Meditation in phases

If you are anything like me, it is nearly impossible to sit still, without a thought, for longer than 15 seconds. Meditation can help people, but it doesn’t seem to help me. Every time I sit down to meditate, I either fall asleep, or I create a whole world of to-do lists, blog ideas and creative endeavors. Those ideas keep hiding from me when I need them but seem to show up in full force when I am aiming for a thoughtless experience.

As I continue my work in understanding ADHD through reading, my personal experience and my client’s experience, I realize that it is never helpful to assume that someone with ADHD can do things like everyone else does, nor is it helpful to assume that they can’t do it at all. So I decided that meditation needed to be adapted to the ADHD brain and not the other way around.

Killing two birds with one stone

If meditation is the time for the ADHD brain to come up with the most brilliant ideas, why not let it be that way? Let’s see what would happen if you let your brain have fun with some ideas while gently training it to be quiet for a few minutes.

In order to accomplish this I divided the 10-15 minutes meditation time into four parts

The brain fill (3 minutes)
The brain dump (1-2 minutes)
The slowing down(5 minutes)
The leftover brain dump (1-2 minutes)

The brain fill

Find a comfortable place to sit, in a place that has as little distraction as possible.

Set a 3 minute timer

Try to sit upright if possible, eyes closed, jaw relaxed, shoulders relaxed, hands resting.

Start the meditation.

If your brain feels blissfully relaxed, great, continue. If your brain fills up with information, to-do lists, ideas, etc, let it do its thing.

The brain dump

At the end of the 3 minute timer, take a notebook or your notebook app , and write down the content of your thoughts as quickly as possible. You can organize them through the app, as you go, or later. Do what’s most efficient while being able to retrieve your notes later.

The (maybe) slowing down

Set the timer for 5 minutes.

Try to sit upright if possible, eyes closed, jaw relaxed, shoulder relaxed, hands resting.

Start the meditation.

Notice any lingering thoughts, and let go. Notice, let go. You know you can write them later because you just did that. Notice your breathing and focus on that. Hopefully you can find a moment of peace. If not, don’t worry, just do the next step.

The leftover brain dump

At the end of the timer, write down any remaining thoughts or ideas. Congratulate yourself for a very productive time.

Rinse and repeat steps 3 and 4 if you have time.

By meditating this way, you accomplish several things :

You are training your working memory to hold a thought until you can write it
You have created new ideas that can help you in your life
You have successfully attempted your own form of mediation

Feel free to modify this in relation to the minute count and the format. Make it yours. As you continue, you can add more minutes to the second meditation.