A name is a gift from a parent to a child. It speaks of history, culture, and belonging, and it is the first tangible connection of a parent to their child. Some parents go through religious ceremonies to sacralize the name. The child belongs to the family, the name belongs to the family as well. Beside some exceptions, names are gendered and reinforce the social expectation of behaviors linked to genders assigned at birth. This tradition, set through generations, wasn’t questioned until recently.
As a parent, counselor, and member of our local community, I have observed a quiet cultural revolution in the way that our children explore their identity. Where 30 years ago, kids would not change their name/pronouns, or very few did, it seems that many children today are setting on a journey of identity exploration by changing their names and pronouns, exploring in ways that families are not prepared for. There is a critical difference between past cultural trends of nicknames where both names could coexist, and today’s rejection of one’s birth name as a “dead name.” It also seems that often with a name change, the child also adopts new pronouns to facilitate their gender exploration.
The parents’ experience of their child coming out does not have a lot of research or space for conversation. Most websites and blogs I have perused talk about the experience of the child and the necessity for parents to be supportive. The content of those sites is important, but so is the parents’ experience and what it means for them to go through this process with their children. I cannot speak for all parents and all experiences, I can only speak from the lens of my own experience, and what has been shared with me by clients.
When a child comes out to their parents, by sharing their need for a different name, using different pronouns, and changing their gender, parents go through stages of grief, pain, loss, and rejection that is normal and to be expected.
If you are a parent going through this process, here are some dos and don’ts of taking care of yourself during this transitional phase or your relationship with your child
How can we, as parents, move forward with our children as they become? How can we shed an idea or belief that we have about them and stay open hearted to their experience?
We need to change our framework from clinging on to norms to opening ourselves to freedom. This freedom has been earned by our ancestors and it is now our turn to give it to our children.
Our children can receive the freedom to:
Be and to become.
Stumble, explore, and change their minds.
Love themselves, unconditionally, as we love them
This gift of freedom comes at a cost – we have to overcome our own fear and shame of judgment, our old patterns of seeing the world as it was. We have to change. And when we do, we set ourselves free.
The content of this blog is based on my personal and clinical experience. It is not a diagnostic tool. If you suspect you might have ADHD, please seek assessment by a qualified professional. For more information about who i am, check out the
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